When Hope Hurts in Relationships
We weren't always like this: facing one another in bed with our bibles spread out between us. My husband and I would spend our mornings yelling at the dogs, while being internally desperate for a peace that our external circumstances didn’t offer. We would worship the coffee before us as if it could restore a new life within. We spent evenings browsing youtube videos and social media in different rooms. We didn't talk to one another about the deeper things unless we were on our way to a new adventure; a physical removal from daily life was needed in order to be grounded enough for vulnerability.
Often our most beautiful moments of love and compassion were overshadowed by frustration over daily shortcomings and unmet expectations. We had a hunger for something more connected, a relationship full of deeper meaning, and the inability to live up to a standard unknown to us hung like a heavy cloud. We've always been best friends and loving in our relationship, but when our lives revolved around the world, we felt pressed from all sides. Every hardship and every harsh word from the outside world crept into our marriage.
There was a point in time when we weren’t sure if we would survive the seemingly small, significant fractures chipping away at our day by day. I speak about my marriage but I have felt this broken understanding with others in my life as well.
What do we do when our relationships in marriage, families, or friendships feel polluted?
My friends, we go to the well of eternal life. We turn to scripture, the Spirit, and to prayer. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to
"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
We are called to trust in the Lord with all our heart. I had to take an honest look at my cries for God to make a new creation in us as he promised, but I would be frightened to initiate that kind of honest self-analysis. Then I would turn my ears to listen to the enemy ask, “Did God really say?” Like Jesus in the wilderness, we are called to combat against the enemy’s all-too-familiar questions with God’s solid foundations of Truth.
Did He really say not to dwell on the past hurt?
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. -Isaiah 43: 18-19
Did He really say things would be healed and made new?
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. -2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Did He really mean we had to take off our old self as we became believers?
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. (Matthew 16: 24-25).
When we go through trials and seasons of suffering, we can choose to either ground our heels into what the world permits as acceptable behavior or we can surrender to God's calling: His calling to let the Word transform and renew us. His calling for us to let go of our old selves, our old hurts, and anchor ourselves in who He is and our identities as a creation of God. Do not postpone this acceptance of your new identity in Christ any longer, my friends, for we are internally starving for a better way to live. Our yearning for worldly desires leaves us still thirsty for more but our joy in Christ is complete (John 15:11).
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” -Proverbs 13:12
These changes in our relationship have taken a long time. We had to admit our sin (where we were missing the mark with God) and surrender to his will. That action didn’t happen overnight but we have earned the gift of endurance. We read the Bible to learn about God's character and remind ourselves of His promises of redemption.
Our attitudes have dramatically changed and we pray all the time. Pray together over our blessings. We ask to be less like ourselves and more like Jesus. Ask to do the next right thing and trust in the Lord. We ask for forgiveness and have learned to be more kind, patient, gentle, and loving to one another and to those who hate us. Our favorite times of the day are the mornings and evenings where we find rest in God's truth and relief from the deception of the world.
I hope you find rest today. For although we desire sin, because it seems good and pleasing to the eye, we find true and complete joy in Christ. Hold onto the truth that your seasons of confusion and hurt will be the hope to someone who needs that light, whether that suffering is from knowing your relationships are full of misunderstandings or your independence from trusting in God. Your reliance on God to get through these times will bring them peace and strength. And maybe that means one of you will be praying harder for some time while you wait for God to transform your husband or wife or friend's heart.
Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear. -Philippians 1:12-14
When we ask how do we change our life and become more foundational in truth rather than the world, we have to start first with reading the word. The more we read the word, the more God’s truth becomes ingrained in our brains. It’s not just God hearing our prayers but us speaking with him and the connection point is receiving the word in its totality.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Chanel Riggle lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and two dogs. She has colead and written bible studies for Tirzah and pursues writing about God's grace in her free time. She is a business owner, college student, and avid reader.