Losing Myself While Dating Others

God has a funny way of constantly working on us, reminding us of sinful thoughts and actions we have forgotten while gently leading us to him. Through the years, God has been working on my heart and mind, showing me my weaknesses without him and my strength with him, and putting in my heart a deep longing for him and His Word. 

But of course, like all of us, I still have lessons to learn, and God used dating to instruct me. Even though I was content being single, in my 40s, I started to have a deep desire to share my life with someone and to share theirs with me. I prayed about it (hoping it would go away), but in the end, I decided to open my heart again after keeping it closed for years. Since I hadn’t met anyone “organically”, I decided to try some online dating websites.

Something you need to know about me is that most of my dating was done in my 20s when I was not walking with the Lord. I proclaimed to be a Christian, but my words and actions were contradictory to that proclamation.

I was so confused in my mind and heart, living in what I now know was “survival mode”, that I did anything to escape, leading to hurt upon hurt and trouble after trouble. I made selfish and impure decisions when I was dating.

Fast forward to 10 years later when I had been joyfully walking with God as he shaped me to be more Christ-like. God, in his infinite wisdom, protected my heart and mind during those years while I was being renewed in him! I hoped that dating this time would be different, and in many ways, it was.

For starters, I was very bold with men about my faith and made it clear that I wanted a Christian man who attended church. For once, I wasn't trying to be who I thought the man wanted me to be, which was refreshing. So, imagine my surprise: when a man got past those two critical “deal breakers”, and we started talking, sinful habits popped back up.

I call them habits because that’s what they were. I was in the habit of wanting to be sexually desired and even led conversations that way. At the time, I didn't even realize what I was doing when I made these compromises in my heart. I daydreamed of what I wanted and tried to make these men fit my ideal.

Yet, God's foundation in my heart quickly led me to realize the error of my ways, and immediately the prayers began. I began to see that these were the dating habits and thoughts of the former me. The good news is that I was, and still am a new creation.

"Anyone who is joined to Christ is a new being; the old has gone, the new has come." (GNT) - 2 Corinthians 5:17

I was new, and God, in his infinite patience, was guiding my heart and my actions to honor him! He was helping me see my old behavioral patterns and giving me wisdom and strength. I knew who God was and that his strength and mercy were bigger than any old habits, unpure thoughts, and actions.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”(NIV) - 2 Corinthians 10:5

I no longer had to be captive to my sinful thoughts. Instead, I was free in obedience in Christ. It seems odd to think of obedience as freedom, but I rejoiced, knowing that I was no longer defined and tied to the sins that held me back! 

I praise God for showing me all this early on while talking to men online and dating, not later when I would have allowed my thoughts and actions to manifest into sin and desire. I praise him for changing my heart to seek purity and holiness above my sinful desires.

I was free from my destructive thoughts, imaginations, and old sinful habits, living in the fullness of God’s will for me. I was free from who I was and reminded that my identity was in Christ!

And who I am, my identity, is a glorious creation, a beautiful woman of healing and hope—a woman still full of flaws but is constantly being made new. When God reminded me of the strength to make my thoughts obedient to Christ, I realized something else.

My habit of seeking God as a single person didn't need to change just because someone entered it. Stick with me here because a lot did change when I got married, but the habits I established when I was single set the foundation for loving God and seeking him daily.

Setting aside time for meaningful prayer and studying the Bible didn't change. Listening to praise and worship music and singing it off-key at the top of my lungs throughout the day didn't change, either. I now intentionally take time to use the gifts God has given me, the unique personality he has endowed me with, and the work he is doing in my heart to pursue my passion for writing.

I am no longer a young woman willing to compromise my faith for the temporary gratification and self-esteem boost of a man’s attention. I knew I had my Lord and Savior's undivided attention and love.

I use these words to encourage anyone out there who may be in the same boat as me. There was a time when I felt incomplete or unlovable. However, hearing other women tell me their stories helped me see that I was not alone. What a beautiful thing that is: friendship and fellowship with godly women!

So, for all you dating Christian women out there, remember these three things:

One, no man will ever love you as God does. Don’t neglect him for someone else.

Two, God will always help you with his grace, strength, and graciousness as you navigate dating. Go to him and his Word during this process.

Three, don’t compromise yourself. It can be all too easy to try to fit into someone's life without asking yourself if you actually want them in your life. Plus, dating and having someone in your life will not fulfill or complete you in the way you dream or desire. Only God can do that. 

God made you unique, with special talents, abilities, desires, and a one-of-a-kind heart. By being true to how God made you and God’s standards of holiness, you will live in freedom and feel the peace that only Christ’s freedom gives.

Think About It

Have you given your dating and desire for a spouse to God?

Have you found yourself compromising for a man?

Who has God made you to be?

Pray:

Dear Lord,

Thank you for creating me to be unique and beautiful. I pray that you will use me and guide me through all seasons of my life and that you will instill in my heart a deep desire for you.

Amen