Detangling Faith from Fear

Guest contributor: Emily Rose Durbin

Hey, if you don’t already know me, my name is Emily Rose. For the past 16 years, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder called Anorexia Nervosa. Unfortunately, this is a part of my story I have not yet overcome, but I hope that with the truth I have found in God's Word, you’ll feel more encouraged because we are walking through this painful season together. Some days are better than others, as I’ve grown to learn that “perfection” on the outside doesn't build character for who you are on the inside. I still struggle to see a proper image of who I am in God’s eyes, but as we begin to walk through this study, I will define the lies I believe, replace the lie with who God says I am, and define who God is. I want to be able to share what it’s like still living with these unwavering thoughts in my head, then tell who I turn towards when I feel under attack spiritually in my head. Now, disclosing this will open some triggering topics for some people. Feel free to pray before reading and ask God for clarity through reading His Word.

Growing up, I struggled with crippling anxiety due to feelings of failure when I was in school. I had to join IEP classes due to my learning disability, which put me in an insecure place of doubting my self-worth. I started to lack self-esteem and indulge in unhealthy behaviors such as self-harming, restricting my intake of food, weighing myself, body checking frequently, measuring, constantly pacing around the room, over-exercising, etc., to help me cope with high-stress environments. I learned later on that these behaviors were not benefiting my life, my relationship with God, or even myself. The weight of my thoughts was too much to bear, but ultimately, did God make a mistake with that? As far as I remember He doesn’t make mistakes. Remember that for later.

Two years ago, I decided to work as a lead counselor at a ministry camp in Iowa with young teen girls. Many of the girls indulged in a lot of the same behaviors that I mentioned in the previous paragraph—knowing that they were going through an extreme identity crisis and were experiencing spiritual warfare in their own lives. I understood the meaning of grace and extended that grace by mentoring them through prayer and supplication, and reassuring them that their identity comes from God and Christ alone. I was able to explain the dangers of self-comparing on social media and how it turns us away from knowing our own identity in Christ by only creating a temporary mask to fix our outward appearance and fit in with today’s generation. I never needed to tell them to stop. I could, but I didn’t. I wanted to show love as God loved me, give grace with no judgment, grieve with intentionality through prayer, and forgive with believing in the God of miracles. I testified through my own story, which equipped me and gave me more opportunities to grow my faith.

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit with you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

-1 Corinthians 6:19-20

THE LIE I BELIEVE:

I must self-punish myself to make myself feel better, “safe.” Thinking back to my kindergarten self, the reasons why I did what I did and still do them today are manifested a lot through spoken words. The words I told myself, and others told me, became a snowball effect of disaster. I habitually go back to these toxic habits because it makes me feel safe, not because I want to hurt myself. This emphasizes how much power words have over someone’s direction of life, and one day we all will be held accountable for the words we have spoken, whether good or bad (Matthew 12:36). If you struggle in this area, you are not alone. Many of us do this but fail to see it as wrong. We must acknowledge how our heavenly Father would never treat us in this way. He would nourish us back to health like a mother nourishes newborn babies. Humans are dependent on nourishment, and it’s a necessity. For humans to survive, we must eat! We all know this. It’s common sense!

WHO GOD SAYS I AM:

The concept that “you are not your own” is expressed in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, which states that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, and we were bought with a price, meaning we belong to God and should honor Him with our lives. This essentially emphasizes that we are not our masters but are owned by God. To be “bought with a price” refers to the sacrifice Jesus has already made on the cross to redeem all of humanity. As Christians, we should be encouraged to live lives dedicated to God by using our bodies and lives to glorify Him. A dear friend explained how we need to nourish our bodies to serve the Lord well. This is necessary when we create a proper view of ourselves. If I need to be honest, I lack rest, so my dear friend further explained that we need to rest in the Lord’s provision and care for ourselves while nourishing our bodies and getting back to health. She emphasized that our bodies are temples and we should care for them, but our bodies don’t need to be treated like running machines 24/7 or have a six-pack. God desires you and me to treat our bodies with love, grace, and respect. How can we glorify God when we are secretly killing ourselves?

WHO GOD IS:

Because we are bought with a price and we are to glorify God with our bodies. God sees us as valuable because we have been purchased by Him. The lie I believe is now going to be removed, by “I must punish myself to feel better”, to all the wrath for our sins was placed on Jesus. I don’t have to do anything else to measure myself up to God, because Jesus is holy and He is God, He defeated sin and death, whether this life or the next, we can do the same. But know what He endured was already paid for, and it is finished by the atonement.

Now imagine you’re in a room full of mirrors of all shapes and sizes, some weird and others normal, but you don’t know which one is you. You feel almost trapped and enclosed in a piece of glass, calling out to the world, but all you see is you. Filled with disgrace for yourself as you don’t view yourself as having beauty, worth, or value. The exact creation God made you to be, but you are blindsided by what society has to say about you and not what God has made you, “in His Image.” These negative emotions are very real, but do they shape and mold you into who you are?

“So God created man in his image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

-Genesis 1:27

Currently, in my season of life, I’ve been attending the Bible Institute in Pottersville, New York. I’ve been poured into a bunch of these past few months with Bible knowledge I thought I had, but didn’t. Although being here has been a blessing, it’s also been my hardest months. Transitioning from living on your own back into your parents’ house, then traveling 17+ hours to a little town in the middle of the Adirondacks with not even a clue why you were there in the first place was hard on me. Since I’m older, out of the bunch of students who go, I felt more misplaced, judged, and out of the loop, but it has also given me opportunities to pour into the younger girls. To love and extend grace to them. From the start of the semester back in September, I completely relapsed on my ED; it took me until Christmas break to realize I did because a good friend of mine called me out with concern and worry for me. My weight had drastically changed. I was unaware, only because I see myself every day. It can be hard to discern whether changes did happen, but her concern scared me, and I acknowledged I was not treating myself how I should have been. Walking started as something to cope with my high-stress levels, but turned into something that was damaging my health. Recently, a dear friend who I’m very close to also has struggled similarly to me in the past with her ED, and she talked through how this began to happen. I hit a low point mentally and with my weight.

HOW:

The younger girls who attend college usually come straight out of high school, and a lot of their talk is around body image, food negatively, and labels. They’d talk negatively about certain foods to the point where I’d stop eating the food altogether, labeling their main course with either girl dinner or calling their meal big back, therefore, calling themselves fat. They don’t know how much it has triggered me and my relationship with food. Calling myself fat caused me to count calories again. Walking started as a coping mechanism, but somewhere along the line, it became an obligation to see how many steps I could take before the day ended. I may have the ideal K-pop idol body type with the inner thigh gap and lean arms, but being able to wrap my pinkie to my thumb around my wrists; I have no butt or breasts; I have bruises all over my body that haven’t healed yet, because of lack of nourishment, my hair is falling out; I worry more and lack energy, but the worst thing is that I hid it well, no one knows. I’m underweight, and I’m scared about the next steps.

A passage of Scripture I’ve been meditating on lately is 1 Kings 19:4-8. Elijah was at a low point in his life; he wanted nothing more than his own life taken from him. He even had the audacity to ask Lord to do it, but He didn’t. Instead, He came beside Elijah during his low point. An angel of the Lord touches Elijah and tells him to eat. He finds bread and water beside his head and eats and drinks, and again the angel of the Lord touches Elijah to eat and drink, for he needs strength for his long journey ahead of him. During this time, nothing was asked of Elijah but to eat, drink, and rest. No work or hard labor was involved. In a new way ,God reminded Elijah he was not alone. As Christians, we can acknowledge God to meet us at our lowest places. Elijah was physically and emotionally exhausted, and God provided nourishment and rest for him through an angel. We need to recognize when we need care and rest for our bodies. Be aware when you are feeling burnt out or stressed. It’s okay to take some time for yourself and seek refuge in the Lord by abiding because Scripture tells us His Word is nourishment to our souls (Psalm 119:105). As followers of Christ, we should be edifying others through our thoughts, words, and actions. For example, when we speak negatively about our bodies, that could be leading another believer to think those things about themselves, which leads them into thinking an improper view of themselves that is not godly. We are to be walking in Christ’s example, not to be leadingothers astray, revolving around our image. The way we live dictates how we think about ourselves. People should be able to see Christ in us, and one of the best compliments a follower of Jesus could ever be given is being told, “I see Jesus in you.”

THE PLAN:

I am encouraged to eat one-on-one with someone in the cafeteria, to be given accountability, and to add more calories to my meals. I’m currently very food-aware, and I’ve now started not having my phone with me because I was beginning to get into a bad habit of counting calories on my phone. Recently, I’ve been meditating on a passage in John 15:4-5. It explains how Christians are called to abide in Christ because He is our true source of strength. Because if we abide in Him, we’ll not only make it, but we’ll bear fruit. Romans 12:1-2 states that we are to present our bodies as a living sacrifice that is holy and acceptable to Him. This is an act of spiritual worship, and we are to be good stewards of it. In 2 Corinthians 10:5, it states we are to take every thought captive and replace it with the truth of God’s Word. I desire to have freedom, but I have to work hard for it.

I pray and hope you do, too. To be continually taken hostage in your mind is tiresome and lonely. We live a secret life no one knows about, but the truth is God does. He is all-knowing, and I pray we both can learn to diligently seek to find rest in God’s eternal presence and seek to know more, learn more, discern lies from the truth, and find scripture to take hold of when the lies become overbearing. Now, I can promise you that we, as believers in Christ, will not stay hostages forever. One day, we will soon have glorified bodies and renewed minds of our intended design, and I can’t wait! Being in heaven with our Heavenly Father will be a glorious day!

ENCOURAGEMENT:

The unwavering thoughts I had hostage in my mind, once I had brought them into the light, I’ve now been able to experience freedom. When we bring our sins, burdens, or worries to the light and not just only to our Father, but also to those around us in a community of Christian believers, the sin will be burned at the stake. In James 5:16, it says

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

I’ve never felt so much power in prayer in my life since bringing my sin to the light. I felt so ashamed, but it’s been an encouragement and plays a massive part in my testimony now, having support in a community of believers. It’s aweing to experience because this is God’s work at hand in my life, so I’ll be able to experience freedom in my mind. How I describe the experience I’m currently having is like having my flesh stripped from conformity and now being renewed into a new mindset. This process is called sanctification, and as believers in Christ, we are all called to be holy because He, referring to Jesus, is Holy (1 Peter 1:16), and this is not a one-and-done process; that is, justification, but this is continual. I’m beginning to see a proper view of myself with God in it. Now, I’ll say it’s scary being conformed into a new image; it hurts because it’s messy and uncomfortable, but who said it wasn't? But in light of that, it’s beautiful in the same way because I have God and a loving community who is walking alongside me, keeping me accountable each step of the way, by loving me for who I am, encouraging me, despite if I may fall, and praying for me because that’s power. Reminder, this is just a fraction of my ED story. I tried to make it less explicit for y’all who may be sensitive to this topic, but ultimately, freedom is possible!

“... You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

-1 Peter 1:16