5 Things NOT To Say To Single Friends
Sometimes people say stupid things when we are hurting. Not because they want to hurt us, but because they are uncomfortable with our pain and don’t know what to say— especially when they have never been in our situation. This is often true of singleness.
Single ladies, how many times has someone you love, a relative, or a member of your church made a comment about singleness that at its best made you uncomfortable and at its worst caused you more fear, depression, or pain?
I have heard such words, felt the honey words that turned sharp inside of me. The speakers meant well. Many of them loved me dearly. Yet their words still hurt. Their words echoed within me long after they had been spoken, sometimes spiraling me into self-doubt, fear, and depression.
If they only knew.
Maybe they should be told.
I began to write, remembering all the hurtful things that had been said in kind ways. But it took work to unpack the reasons why their words hurt and why so much was untrue. Time passed. I began dating a fabulous man. Then I married him. But the things people said to me when I was single still weigh on me.
So if you’re single, read this and know you are seen and heard.
If you are married, please take these things to heart and show love toward your single brothers and sisters in Christ without saying these potentially harmful phrases.
“Just be content.”
This may have been the most frustrating phrase I have ever heard. It turned what I thought was a time for me to share the unique hardships I found in my unwanted singleness into a three-word counseling session and a conversation stopper.
I did need to be content in my singleness. It was an on-going battle. God obviously wanted me to be single for the foreseeable future and I struggled to rest in His will for me, see it as good, and submit myself to Him. But telling someone to “be content” never automatically made them content, even if they needed to be. In fact, I would feel pushed away when I heard those words. It sounded like my pain and my experiences with singleness were not worth their time. This phrase not only ended our conversation, but it did not give me the opportunity to lament, which is a vital step in submitting to the Lord.
“Just be content” always came across preachy as well. This was not a counseling session. I had not informally sought advice from an older saint, nor had I expressed a desire for anyone to hold me accountable in any way. I believe that our brothers and sisters in Christ do need to come alongside us and give us love, prayer, and even point out our sins. But the command to “be content” with my singleness would show up in random conversations. There is a time and a place for everything; please share advice with wisdom and discernment, especially within quick, random conversations with women who are going through situations like singleness that you have not experienced.
“It wasn’t until I was content in my singleness that I met my husband.”
I am not denying the truth of this statement for those who said it to me or the ladies’ stories I read online. I am happy for them. It is often when we stop looking for what we most desire that we find it, and this is something we see a lot of in life.
Yet consider the implications this statement can have. If a single person does feel like they are content in their singleness, then where is their spouse? It could be easy to fall into a trap where you think God is going to practically drop Prince Charming down from the clouds because now you are content. Or, if you are like me, you could know that you will never be truly content with your unwanted singleness, that it will always be a struggle for you as long as you remain single. Therefore, if God was never going to give me a husband until I am content, I would always be single.
Suddenly the emphasis is on being content to get something from God, or not being able to be content and never receiving anything from God. But this is not what the Bible says. This statement can create a works-based salvation mentality when the Bible has clearly said, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9, ESV). If marriage was only given to those who achieved perfection even in the one realm of contentment, no one would ever marry. Furthermore, God has given us every perfect gift through our life and eternal life through His son (James 1:17-18).
“Don’t worry, you’ll get married someday.”
I always wanted to respond with, “Oh, God has told you this?”
Though no one meant it in this way, this phrase starts to sound like the prosperity gospel, where God exists only to give us everything our hearts desire.
When I was much younger, I believed this in some capacity. I believed that I would get married someday because my mom was married, because most people at church were married, because as I saw it, adults typically got married. Why wouldn’t I? But I also believed that in some way God owed me marriage. It wasn’t a sinful desire. After all, look at what God promised us in the Psalms;
“[...] delight yourselves in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” -Psalms 37:4, ESV
Marriage was what I wanted most. But this verse is talking about how if we delight ourselves in the Lord as we should be doing as believers, our only desire will be more of Himself. While marriage is a good gift that God gives to many, it was not a good gift He had guaranteed to me.
So, when I heard “don’t worry, you’ll get married someday,” from a married person, it felt more like a slap in the face than a kind reassurance. It was a painful and ironic reminder that what they reassuringly promised me was far from the truth. Not only was I single at that moment, but God had not promised me an earthly marriage. There was no guarantee that there was a man out there who would be my future husband.
“Let’s find her a guy!”
This can create tricky situations. Single people can like this. There were occasions where I did, too. If a close friend thought I would really like a guy, I wouldn’t mind some behind-the-scenes matchmaking.
But some single people do not like matchmaking. They might have seasons in their life where they are open to it and other seasons they are not. It can sound like the matchmaker is saying they are not enough by themselves, that they must find their spouse to be complete or to fit in at church. Also, some people love being single and have no desire to get married. Why should we try to change them or make them feel inferior when they are content?
“Maybe you should…”
Insert any random suggestion for how to make myself more attractive to men. In my case, it was usually, “You should talk more,” or “You should be more open.”
Again, people meant well, and maybe I was missing out on potential suitors because of my reserved nature. But God made me reserved. If a guy hated that, he probably wouldn’t be the right man for me. (In fact, my husband loves that I am more reserved and that I don’t want to leave the house every night since he is like that, too!)
But more importantly, whether these comments were right or wrong, they made me focus on the wrong things. They made me think and overthink about ways I could make myself more attractive, how I could be around more single men, what I could do differently to make marriage a part of my story. While I don’t think there is anything wrong with noticing shortcomings and growing, or even initiating a conversation with a guy you would like to get to know better, I could so easily become fixated on what was wrong with me and what I could do to change myself. At its worst, I would start thinking that my singleness was my fault. I was single because I thought I was somehow undesirable.
What Do We Do Now?
I know that many of the people who told me these things did not intend to push a false gospel, shut out the single people in their lives, or cause such spiraling thoughts of fear in me. We are all responsible for our actions, and single people cannot blame every sin of theirs on some inconsiderate thing someone told them. Yet when I was single, I found that often it was these comments that would put me on edge.
So married ladies, I pray you will help single women (and men for that matter) feel heard and seen. It can be easy to forget what it was like to be single or to only remember the good from those times and not the struggles, too. Singleness may be something you never fully experienced if you began dating or were married at a young age.
Don’t know what to say now? Here are some suggestions:
- Listen instead. Most of the time when I was single, I just wanted people’s ear and empathy. I wanted these people to listen, to hear what it was like to be single without quickly interjecting their advice.
- Ask questions. Ask how and why singleness has been hard for your friend. Then ask how singleness has been wonderful or what special opportunities God has given them through singleness. Ask how you can pray for them and then share a prayer request as well. It is good for married people to be reminded of the joys and the hardships of singleness as well as for singles to be reminded of the joys and hardships of marriage. We all need each other.
- Ask how the singles in your life want you to approach their singleness. Do they want to talk about it? Or do they not want it to come up in conversation? Do they want to hear dating advice or would they rather you refrain? Everyone is different.
- Evaluate your topics of conversation. Are you excessively talking about your marriage? Or are you never talking about your marriage because you fear it will hurt them? A balance is needed here.
And single ladies, a word for you. Let us not grow bitter, get sassy, or be angry at every married person because a couple people have hurt us unintentionally.
“Let us not grow weary of doing good” -Galatians 6:9, ESV
Instead, show love and compassion to all our brothers and sisters in Christ.
- Respond with love and grace even when they have hurt us and even when it seems like it was intentional.
- Give others the benefit of the doubt. It is hard to know how to respond to a situation you have never been in.
- Be careful not to be overly sensitive. The topic of singleness can still be a loaded word for me even now, so we need to check our emotions.
- Try to share, in love, when you have been hurt and the reasons why. There are times when we need to tell our brothers and sisters in Christ when they have hurt or offended us.
Above all, let us love one another as Christ loves us.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Allie Fullerton recently graduated from the Vermont College of Fine Arts with her MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults. Her desire is to write good Christian fiction that changes, challenges, and entertains readers as well as shares the truth about the messy world we live in and the gospel that changes lives. Currently, Allie is working on a middle grade novel in verse. She lives with her husband Jared in Vermont where they enjoy reading and hiking together.