The Question You Need To Ask Before Dating
Like a growing number of people, I met my husband thanks to a dating app. Since things turned out well, I’m glad that I decided to try using the app, but I also spent a lot of time going on multiple dates with guys that were never going to work out.
Sometimes those dates were fun and not actually a waste of time. I went to nice dinners, museums, the beach, and mini-golf with people who were interesting even if we didn’t have the same long-term intentions. Other times those dates were disasters, especially when it became apparent that we didn’t have the same short-term intentions. Some guys definitely saw the date ending differently than I did.
I thought that I had been clear by listing “Christian” as one of the things that I was looking for in a guy, but a lot of the kind of guys I was trying to avoid also happened to be the kind of guys who didn’t bother to read anything underneath the photos.
While I’d like to say that I solved this problem by directly asking guys about their faith before meeting them, I did not do this. Instead, I continued going on a random assortment of dating situations before finally matching with a cute guy who was holding a guitar in one of his profile pictures. The first date was decent, but not spectacular. We were both teachers and decided to meet for dinner in the middle of the week, which I would normally not have done but it was the only time that worked for both of us.
After going on a few more dates together, this guy called me to ask if I wanted to be in a relationship, but before we made that decision, he asked me about my faith and shared about his to make sure that we had the same beliefs. I was shocked in the best possible way. This guy who, as you’ve probably figured out, is now my husband, was willing to end things before they began if it turned out that we weren’t both serious about Christianity being at the core of our relationship.
In 2 Corinthians, Paul instructs,
“Do not be yoked to an unbeliever.” 2 Corinthians 6:14, NIV
While he does not specify marriage as the only application of this instruction, it fits within the overall meaning of the passage where after instructing the Corinthians to open their hearts, he then clarifies that this does not include entering into binding agreements with nonbelievers.
Although I had heard this passage before and I had no plan to marry someone who was not a Christian, I was not diligent in making sure that the guys I was going on dates with were Christian. Since I was using a dating app, I could have easily asked guys if they were Christian before I ever even met them. The thing that stopped me is that I had a feeling I would go on fewer dates if I asked that question first.
Now looking back, I see the flaws in my thinking. I would definitely have gone on fewer first dates, all of the dates that I would have “missed out” on weren’t leading to anything serious. The only guy that I absolutely needed to meet, the one who would turn out to be the exact person I was looking for, would not have been scared away by being asked about his faith.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6, NIV
I had spent many mornings and nights praying that God would lead me to the person I was supposed to marry. I even have entries in prayer journals where I asked God to guide me in the right direction, but I still did not give up the control that I thought I had in finding my person.
I only made things more difficult for myself. Thankfully, things never progressed far enough with those who weren’t Christian that I was too attached to realize that things were not going to work, but I could have saved myself a lot of worry by being clear that I was only looking for guys who valued their faith in Christ.
People say that marriage is hard. While I am still relatively new to marriage, I think that the truth is that life itself is hard and navigating it with another person can add another layer to some of the difficult times if things are not right. You have to have a strong relationship with your spouse in order for your marriage to be a blessing during hard times rather than a hindrance, and when both you and your spouse are Christians, you are able to build that deep foundation together.
I did not always enjoy being single. There were plenty of times when I wasn’t thinking about a long-term future with someone. Sometimes, I just wanted someone to sit next to me in the movie theater and maybe hold my hand. I absolutely understand feeling the need to find someone so that you don’t feel behind on life compared to those around you.
But, I also wish that I had realized that I could trust God to guide my romantic relationships. Even though I thought that it was unlikely that I would meet my future spouse on a dating app, I should still have been more careful about forming relationships before knowing about the other person’s faith. Partly because I did end up meeting my husband that way, and partly because any relationship that wasn’t with a Christian guy had no chance of going anywhere.
Instead of asking yourself how you feel about a guy, you should be directly asking that guy about his faith before proceeding into anything more romantically.
As Christians, we shouldn’t avoid dating non-Christians because they are “bad” people. Instead, we should avoid that situation because it won’t lead to the best version of marriage for us. God’s plans for us are good, and He will take care of us.
How much do you trust God when it comes to dating?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Elizabeth is an educator at heart. So far this has taken the form of a camp counselor, a museum assistant, and currently a middle school teacher. She loves to watch people grow and learn. You can read more of her writing at her blog Chronicles of a Southern Belle