Scars From The Sanctuary: Navigating Church Hurts
Have you been wounded by another person who confesses to being a believer in Jesus Christ? Is that person in a position of leadership in a local church? Do you have “sanctuary scars” that resulted in you feeling anywhere from burned out to soul-scarred and physically ill at the thought of walking through your church doors again? First of all, I’m sorry you’re in such pain as you begin reading this. While I can’t remove the pain, both yours or mine. I hope to point us to the One who heals, cleanses, and restores.
Before we dive any deeper into this sensitive topic, I want to express my deepest affections for the church. I’m a church girl. When I tell people I was raised in the church, I don't mean that nominally or casually. I was raised by my church---those men and women have profoundly shaped who I am today. I love my local church and I love the Church. I would not have survived nor could I now survive without the Body.
Yet church was the last place I expected to be hurt and some things have made gathering with believers difficult; I’ve experienced injustices, distrust and disappointments, and deep heartache as a result of fellowship, but these experiences throughout the years, especially in the pain and betrayals, have helped me cling to Jesus like never before.
Please don’t take this as a statement that I haven’t hurt people myself. Unfortunately, I have and I wish I could navigate through life without making needless, unintended mistakes that caused others pain. But many times, God has triumphed, often through repentance. He has restored relationships in my life, and that is my prayer now for you! My prayer is to help you disconnect Jesus from the unhealthy experiences, point you in the right direction of healing, and renew your joy and passion for God’s people. We are united in similar pains and church hardships, but even more, are we united by the blood of Christ who nailed every hurt to the cross.
Here are ten key takeaways that have helped me process my “sanctuary scars” and press forward into true fellowship:
FORTIFY YOUR HOPE IN CHRIST ALONE
Before we look at what the church is, I want to remind you what church is not. The Church is not God. Christ is not confined to a building, a religion, or a denomination. Christ is not a pastor, a fellow believer, or a world-renowned worship leader. Please do not allow the church, the pastors, or the members to be your God, nor stop loving Him because someone who claimed to represent God, misrepresented Him. A key way to overcome church hurt is to disconnect Christ from negative experiences. Your hope is not in the Church, but in Christ and Christ alone.
EMBRACE CHRIST’S HEART FOR HIS PEOPLE
No matter how much is wrong with the Church, remember that it is the only thing that Jesus is coming back for when he returns! Christ loves his Church passionately. When we understand the lengths Jesus went to make us part of His family, we will grow in deep tenderness for His people. He loves His Church and calls us His Bride. What personal language our Savior uses for a group of people! The intimacy and affection of Christ has ought to instill in us an overflowing gift of compassion and love for His people.
LET GOD BRING HEALING
There is so much value when you allow God to heal your negative experiences. No healthy leadership or church will heal your heart from the hurt---that’s something only God can do. The church that hurt you may have done great good in your life before it did great damage. You have permission to grieve what was good, miss what has been lost and let the full impact of the hurt demand what it demands from your tears. Although that may be messy and painful at times, we have to let our hearts acknowledge that Christ is greater than any hurt we will ever have in this life
LOOK AT YOUR INWARD HEART
Jesus did not come for the healthy religious, but the sick in need of their Savior (Mark 2:17 NIV ). There is no perfect church because there are no perfect people. Sin has been the predominant reason I start to see people leaving local churches. The deep shame, guilt, and self-gratification can keep us away and make it difficult for us to even show up. Forgiven people forgive so I implore you to keep short accounts with the Lord, practice repentance, and seek others to help you pursue righteousness first and foremost.
Examine your heart to see if there are areas in which you are easily offended and putting misplaced bitterness and blame on the Church. Sometimes the church feels unnatural and forced because our hearts are hardened by hurt. Pray that the Lord would reveal your hardness of heart and release you from it, so you can enter places of worship eager to be with the saints.
OVERCOME THE ENEMY’S LIES WITH TRUTH
My deepest hurts stem from a mischaracterization of Christ that I’ve been led to believe by a fellow believer after taking what they’ve said as the ultimate truth. This has led to dangerous repercussions, giving the enemy a foothold to come in and bring his deceit and lies. Your enemy is not the person who wronged you; your enemy is Satan trying to tear down the truth in your heart. The devil loves to fish in troubled waters; His chief aim is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10 NIV) and what more effective way than to divide the Church and make us question our Truth. How did he try to tempt Jesus in the wilderness? By manipulating and distorting the Word of God.
We are to be on guard, testing everything and holding on to what is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21 NIV ). Like the Bereans, we receive the messages from our pastors examining the Scriptures to see if they are true (Acts 17:11 NIV). We are to work out our own salvation (Philippians 2:12 NIV) and have our own answers for why we believe what we believe (1 Peter 3:15 NIV) and so we need to be reading our Bibles; we need to confirm what God says to us through the Word and not rely on what the worship lyrics profess or what a pastor is saying on Sunday mornings.
Knowing what His Word says will not only help us process our hurt, but it will also comfort us in the midst of it as we pursue healing. This divine healing from the pages of Scriptures comes as you dive into what God says and fill your thoughts with the Word of God more than anything else. Keep His words close for they are life to those who find them and health to the whole body (Proverbs 4:20-22 NIV ). As you know and abide in His truth, for yourself as a disciple of Christ, the truth will set you free from any church hurt (John 8:21-32 NIV).
WITHDRAW YOUR SWORD
In challenging times, we often meet Job’s counselors---people that come into our lives that send us into the tempting bait of blame and give us their reasons for all the problems we’re facing. These slanted opinions abound in the troubled waters of pain and provide no edification but people will offer their opinions anyways because they value them more than God’s Word. Take heed who your advisors are and avoid all mudslinging. Don’t tear others down, point out faults, or push your convictions on others, but instead be a peacemaker encouraging and building each other up, outdoing one another in showing honor (Romans 12:10 NIV).
Even though the Bible discourages it, people will take sides. Even if they take yours, which may feel good, you don’t want that. We need to run to the Lord and take His side. Instead of taking up our swords defending ourselves to convince people that others are wrong, we need to take people with us to His side. Their hurt against you doesn’t mean they don’t love God or are not saved. Maybe what they are doing or what they did is sinful, but Jesus died for them too! No sin done against you is worse than your sin against Christ. It’s at the cross that we win, dead to ourselves, and alive to Christ! Take the high road, live above reproach, and don’t be taken down by the enemy.
STAND FIRM IN THE HARDSHIPS
What is the biblical agenda in difficult times of being hurt by a believer? Endurance. Humility. Repentance. Reconciliation. Restoration. Victory.
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance”-James 3:2-3
Our difficulties and hardships are producing endurance and strengthening our faith in a way that probably couldn’t come any other way. God doesn’t toss out random trials and sufferings to us to see what we do with it. There is purpose in every trial---even church hurts. No matter what setbacks you might have endured from your church experiences, God is going to redeem that time. God restores the years that the enemy may have robbed you (Joel 2:25 NIV) because He has a plan for everything in your life and He will work out all things for your good and His glory (Romans 8:28 NIV).
HONOR YOUR TEAMMATES
Initially, I thought pastors and leaders were responsible for healing the sick, feeding the poor, and doing all kingdom work and I was supposed to show up and get fed Sunday mornings. However, Ephesians 4:12 tells us real ministry has been given to us---the Body of Christ---and pastors are gifts to us equipping the saints to do ministry ourselves. Scripture exhorts us to acknowledge those who work hard among us, who care for us in the Lord and to hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work (1 Thessalonians 5:12-13 NIV ). We are called to pray for them and submit to their leadership in a way that brings them joy and not “groaning” (Hebrews 3:17 ). Send them a message now thanking them for their perseverance.
Ministry families have real sanctuary scars. I have a tender heart toward pastors and worship leaders, especially after working in full-time ministry. I saw firsthand the heart-wrenching challenges and hardships they endure. Pastors and their families are still human. Sometimes we accuse them of being mean, controlling, or self-righteous but if we knew how much they’ve been hurt, we would think differently. Their heart, like yours, is to know God better (Ephesians 1:17 NIV) and see His Church thrive. We’re on the same team, partnering together, shoulder to shoulder, fighting the same fight, and pursuing the same calling.
INVEST IN YOUR LOCAL CHURCH
God did not create us to live our Christian lives in isolation but to worship God in unison (Colossians 3:16 NIV). When we gather together, even virtually through our live stream churches, the miraculous happens; we get to hear from God and experience a rich fullness of His Spirit uniquely and powerfully. It is worth the investment to work through things with one another because God is doing something supernatural through His Church; He is making His wisdom known and displayed through us (Ephesians 3:10).
Through this gathering, we get to practice our heavenly calling and grow as His disciples. Is there any other avenue in ministry where we see souls revived and hearts strengthened?
Through the Church will people come to know and receive the life-giving love of our Savior. If you want to look like Christ, you need to put yourself in the context in which you will grow as He uses you to reflect His grace. Don’t deprive yourself or the Body by not participating and serving your local church. You may be sitting unaware in church week after week with suffering people.
Until we all regather together physically in our sanctuaries, may you find creative ways to come alongside one another and recognize that living among you in your “virtual pews” right now are other people hiding deep wounds that have been impacted by isolation.
PURSUE LOVE
I know this may not be easy to hear, but Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to neglect meeting together but stir up love and good works in one another. Your pain is not a justification for hatred. Despite their flaws, continue to choose to love His people. Start with love for God and a love for His people will follow. Whatever difficulty you are facing within your church, we are called to love God above all and love others. We don’t get a pass on this.
What does love look like? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us love is patient and kind. Love does not dishonor others and is not self-seeking to inflate one’s efforts and achievements. Love is not easily angered or offended and doesn’t keep a comprehensive scorecard or ledger of wrongs. Love overlooks and covers a multitude of offenses (1 Peter 4:8 NIV) and remains focused on what is good, refusing to hold resentment in our hearts.
Jesus commands His disciples,
“as I have loved you, you also love one another. By this [love] all people will know that you are My disciples” (John 13:34-35).
This is what we were made to be: God’s arms of love, both as individuals and as the Church for Scripture says,
“Bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 ).
Ask yourself, “How can I love my brother or sister well in this hardship? How can I leave others less alone and less hurt?” How can I be His arms of love for His Bride?”. Let’s explore ways to be the Church, even after church hurt.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hannah is a twenty-something Tucson native saved by the overwhelming grace of Christ. She is currently a university instructor while also pursuing her graduate degree in higher education leadership. Hannah loves country music, camping and hiking, binge watching Gilmore Girls and traveling on spontaneous road trips. Her favorite days consist of a great cup of coffee, a good book, and enjoying monsoon thunderstorms. She longs to see young women thrive in their relationship with Jesus, knowing He always has immeasurably more in store for us.