Living Out a Holy Sexuality in Singleness
Holiness defines who we are as Christians. 1 Peter 1:15-16 sums it up this way: “But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy’” (ESV). This holiness should permeate every sphere of our lives, even our sexuality (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).
I wrestle with the idea of what it means to live a holy life in regard to my sexuality as a single woman. Does holiness simply mean abstinence from sex, or is there more? How do I handle desire when there is no God-honoring sexual outlet in singleness? How can I set myself up for success in pursuing sexual holiness as a single woman who lives alone?
These questions have become especially significant in prolonged seasons of singleness.
As I grow older and remain unmarried, the more I am convinced that sexual holiness in singleness is not just abstinence from sex. Because if it were, I’d be perfect. And the reality is, I’m absolutely not perfect. Our sin nature makes holiness a battle in every sphere of life.
So, what does the single’s battle for sexual holiness look like outside of refusing to engage in sex?
It looks like agreeing with and submitting to God’s design for relational intimacy.
And this is a battle I’ve failed many times.
God’s Design for Relational Intimacy
God designed humans with an innate need for relational intimacy (Genesis 2:18). We were made to know and be known – both by God and other humans. When sin entered the world, it tainted our relationships, and in result, our ability to satisfy this need in the way God designed. Our selfishness and shame hinder our capacity to know and be known. We use people. We hide from people. We pervert the gift God gave for fostering relational intimacy between a husband and wife and make it into something it was never intended to be. Because of sin and the challenges it creates, we often look to other things to fill the space that God meant for relationships to fill. We run after cheap replacements that masquerade as solutions – sex outside of a covenantal relationship, masturbation, pornography, explicit media – but really only draw us further away from God’s design.
Holy sexuality means agreeing that we need others and refusing to allow anything other than God and humans to attempt to fill the void in our souls. We fail to maintain holiness when we reject God’s relational design and turn to cheap substitutes. What’s important to recognize is, oftentimes our pursuit of these replacements starts small. We begin down the path of chasing substitutes when we turn to our favorite book to feel a sense of intimacy that we’re lacking. When we expect our pets to fill our need for intimacy because people are too messy. When we build up emotional walls to prevent people from getting too close and set out to do life on our own because we are ashamed and hurt. To be holy sexually means to believe that God made me to want and need others, and to refuse to attempt to satisfy my need for intimacy through other means.
Here are a few practical strategies to help you pursue sexual holiness as a single woman.
Be proactive about spending time with loved ones who satisfy your relational needs
Every human experiences relational need, married or single. Sometimes, we singles mistakenly believe that we can’t satisfy this need for intimacy outside of marriage. But more often, we just simply overlook or ignore our relational needs. When you live with friends or family, intimacy is inherently provided to some degree. But when you’re single and live alone, you have to be intentional and proactive about connecting with others. We must seek out people to fill our “intimacy cup,” and more often than not, we don’t for a variety of reasons: busyness, lack of access to a community that fits our needs, we enjoy time alone, and more. The problem is, when we fail to attend to this relational need, we subconsciously turn to unhealthy solutions, like entering into unhealthy romantic relationships, seeking out sexual encounters, or turning to media to provide a counterfeit sense of intimacy, all of which can lead to compromising our holiness. But when we take the time to recognize this God-given desire and work to satisfy it the way God intended – through life-giving relationships with others – then we are in a better position to pursue sexual holiness.
Believe in the goodness of God’s sexual ethic
We often confuse sexual intimacy with relational intimacy. We think that fulfilling our sexual desires will fulfill the relational longing within us, but that couldn’t be more wrong. While it is true that God gave husbands and wives the gift of sex to promote relational intimacy, sex is not the source of intimacy. We will have perfect and complete relational intimacy in heaven where there is no marriage (ie. no sex, see Matthew 22:30), and we can have a taste of that intimacy now through our relationships with God and others. If sex alone can’t create relational intimacy, that means sexual acts or fantasies devoid of emotional intimacy with another human being does not satisfy the longing God placed in us. Any attempt to gratify our sexual desires disconnected from a relationship will not fulfill us. That means casual sex, pornography or spicy sex scenes, masturbation, and romance lived out vicariously through books or movies won’t fulfill our longings. So when we single women are feeling tempted to gratify our longings with sexual solutions, we must remember that it won’t work. Sex alone doesn’t satisfy our relational need. And when we are fully convinced of this truth, we will abandon the counterfeits and pursue God’s holy sexual ethic.
Be vigilant about protecting yourself from emotionally provocative and spicy content
Media has become increasingly spicy. It’s hard to find content these days that’s not spicy. As someone who lives alone, I have to be extra vigilant to avoid this kind of content. It’s way too easy to watch things I shouldn’t without anyone knowing. There’s no one in the next room who might overhear; no one who might walk in. There are two practices I’ve instituted that have helped me regulate what I watch. The first is, I have a rule that I won’t watch anything I would be ashamed of someone seeing on my watchlist. If I feel the need to remove it before someone sees, I shouldn’t watch it. The second is, I make the effort to research a show, movie, or book’s sexual content before consuming it. This has been incredibly helpful in determining whether I watch it. Over time, I’ve learned what kind of content I can and can’t handle. If after reading about the content I decide it’s manageable, I proceed. This isn’t a fool proof plan, though. There have been times when I’ve started reading or watching something and have found it to be more stumbling than expected. In these cases, I give it up. Now for those of you who can’t leave a story unfinished, I know how hard this is. You want to just power through and make it to the end. But I’ve discovered that this a really unhelpful habit when it comes to pursuing sexual holiness. Yes, I want to know how it ends. But is knowing if Hannah and Garrett end up together really worth putting myself in a compromising position? When I take the time to seriously ask myself this question, I find the strength to say no and turn it off.
It’s not just important to pay attention to spice, but also to emotionally provocative content. Romantic stories devoid of sexually explicit content can dig up just as much longing and desire as spicy scenes. It’s easy to underestimate the power of a wholesome romance movie. In my struggle to protect myself from explicit content, I tend to gravitate toward mild romance movies. Because they typically have a feel-good quality to them and aren’t overtly sexual, I like watching them. As a result, I end up consuming a lot of romantic content. But this isn’t always the most helpful. While it’s true that sexually explicit scenes are more stumbling in many ways, consuming so much romantic content also feeds my longing in a way that can lead to compromising holiness. I’m not saying don’t watch any movies that have even a hint of romance (what fun would that be?!). What I am saying is, know yourself and be mindful of what you’re feeding your emotions.
Take stock of your feelings and longings before consuming media
Feelings fluctuate. Some days we feel good, other days we feel down. I’ve found that my media taste is a powerful indicator of my current feelings and longings. In times when I’m feeling especially lonely or have an increased longing for marriage, I tend to watch a lot of romantic dramas. There’s nothing wrong with watching a good drama or rom-com, but feeding those feelings doesn’t always set me up for success in my pursuit of holiness. In times when I am especially emotionally vulnerable, trying to satisfy my feelings of loneliness with the counterfeit relational intimacy provided by a TV screen just makes my longing grow bigger and bigger. And when left unaddressed, it just becomes unbearable. That’s why it’s so important to consider how you’re feeling before consuming any media. Ask yourself how powerful your longing for intimacy is in that moment. Consider your day and name the emotion that captures how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling particularly sad, rejected, or lonely that day, maybe it’s not the best time to watch a movie that is emotionally provocative. Save that movie for another day when you have the strength to handle it. Instead, talk to a friend, watch a different kind of movie, or busy yourself with another activity.
Talk about sex but be careful about the manner and frequency
Talking about sex as a single woman is both inevitable and essential. Inevitably, we will have friends who have had or are having sex. Even as singles, we need to be able to talk about God’s design for sex. We need spaces where we can share honestly about our sexual failures. We need to be prepared to give younger girls wisdom and advice about God’s sexual ethic.
All of my false ideas about sex stem from not having open and honest conversations about sex with other Christians. The reality is, the world is talking about sex – a lot. If our only teacher is the world, we are in grave danger. We need to combat what the world is saying with the truth of the Gospel. Married women need to have honest conversations about sex with single women.
That doesn’t mean seek out all of the nitty gritty details. Such conversations can stir up unholy thoughts. That also doesn’t mean seek out sex conversations all the time. Constantly talking about sex keeps it at the front of our minds and just fuels the fire of desire. Wisely consider the appropriate time and type of discussion that is helpful in bringing to light the truth of God’s design.
Develop a vibrant prayer life
Ultimately, our longing for intimacy is only truly satisfied in our relationship with God. The most intimate relationship we can have is with God – the One who created our inmost being and inhabits our very souls (Psalm 139:13, Romans 8:27). It is impossible for anyone to know us the way God does. The desire to know and be fully known is most perfectly fulfilled in our relationship with God, and we cultivate this relationship through prayer. We experience connection with God when we pray. If you’re looking for intimacy, start by developing a vibrant prayer life and you will soon experience the deep and matchless intimacy that God offers.
About the Author:
Rachel is a New Jersey native living in New York state. Previously a social worker, she now spends most of her time sharing the love of Jesus with military teens as a missionary on a military base. She is passionate about discipleship and equipping other Christians to live faithful lives. When not at work, Rachel enjoys crocheting or cozying up with a cup of coffee and a good book.