BUT GOD
When I was in my 20’s, I walked away from God.
Needless to say, the life I led and the men I dated at this time were not Godly. The men I chose had the same kind of lifestyle I did, which was not a holy one.
I didn’t seek God, but used my choices in life and men to make me feel better about myself. Ironically, many times, I did not even like myself or the men I dated, but I kept on pretending that I enjoyed them and my life. All of my choices were part of a mask I wore for a very long time. I chose to party and have relationships with the wrong men because I was hurting and my choices made it possible for me to ignore my pain.
Surprisingly, this article is not about the wait for the man God had for me or how God sent me an amazing husband, which he did. Instead, this article is about how God redeemed my selfish and unholy choices. His Word and presence in my life brought healing to my pain and gave me hope for the future. He protected me and forgave me when I felt that he wouldn't or couldn't do either. God gave me a Road to Damascus event that changed my life in an instant!
This article is deeply personal and not was not easy to write but I know that God has called me to share my story and his presence in it. He has given me a joyful life and I want you to celebrate with me on all that he has been for me, and who he is for anyone who calls on his name.
One of the most difficult times in my life started when I was 16 and my parents divorced. They divorced because my dad had an affair and left us to marry her. Due to this initial big life change so early on in life, I was confused, angry, and hurt, and felt that God had abandoned us. How could God allow this to happen? Why didn’t God give my dad strength to resist? Where was God when I needed him? (I would like to mention here that even though it took years, God did restore all our relationships. My dad and I have never been closer and I love my stepmom. God has truly performed miracles within the relationships of our family.)
Back when the divorce happened, instead of seeking answers to the questions that plagued my heart, I allowed my feelings to dictate my life. When I graduated high school, I went out into the world and thought that the answers provided out there were easier than answering the real questions, which to me felt large and overwhelming.
I still tried to maintain the appearance of being a Godly young woman. I would drink and party Monday through Saturday and then go to church on Sunday. I was wearing two different masks. My weekly mask was hiding my pain. My Sunday mask was hiding my worldliness. Even now, I give myself a mental facepalm because of my ignorance.
I tried to have the appearance of happiness, humility and purity. I thought that I was pure because I maintained my virginity in a technical sense; yet, I still made physical allowances that did not protect my innocence. All of my physical compromises that I thought kept me safe came crashing down around me when I was sexually assaulted on St. Patrick’s Day. That was when the different masks fell away and my whole life was covered in a costume of numbness. I allowed my pain and fear to win by choosing to chase after anyone and anything that was not of God.
On Sundays, when I actually made it to church, I didn’t care if I smelled of cigarettes or alcohol, even though I was angry when someone spoke to me about it. At this point, I was actively looking for reasons to leave God and fully live a life in the world.
The years of my 20’s passed in a blur and it wasn’t until I was 29 that my life changed and God’s forgiveness and protection washed over me. I drove, drunk, to the beach at 5 a.m. and sat on the beach crying; not the regular crying from a bad day but the kind of crying that is a result of extreme pain, the kind where it feels like your heart is being ripped from you. I was done! I was angry at myself! I was angry with God! I was angry at the people in my life!
My anger made me realize that I could not do it on my own anymore. Going out with friends felt like a chore and shallow. But not going out meant that I would have to stop and face the reality of my decisions. On that beach, I did just that.
I stopped.
I cried out to the Lord with everything that was in me. For the first time in a long time, I faced myself and my pain. For the first time in a long time, I let go. I simply let go and let out all the emotions and thoughts that had kept me in darkness for so long.
As the sun rose on that beach that morning, I felt like I was rising as a new being. I saw the daylight slowly coming forward as I rose up as a woman of hope. This was the road to Damascus event in my life. God came, saw me and saved me, his lost sheep, and put me back within the safety of his provision and protection. I went to God and he met me exactly where I was.
After all the years of struggle and strife, my heart felt lighter. God graciously put a hedge of protection around me. I no longer had the desire for anything that I previously used as a Band-Aid for my broken heart. The alcohol, relationships, and drugs no longer held me captive. Those desires were gone, completely gone, as if they never existed.
After my initial repentance, I took everything out of my life that wasn’t of God. I had so fully immersed myself in my worldly lifestyle that I had to get rid of a lot! I wish I could say that life was automatically easier after my beach experience with God but it wasn’t. Even though God met me and loved me right where I was, I had to learn to trust that he indeed loved me in spite of who I was. Even though I was more joyful, I still had to deal with pain. Even though I had a deep desire to spend time with God through prayer and reading His Word, I still had to deal with the repercussions of my previous choices. I had to face my depression and anxiety. I had to start healing from the hurt I caused myself and others. But God was there for it all.
During the years after my own personal road to Damascus event on that beach, I had two simple words that gave me encouragement…but God!
When I would feel overwhelmed, I would think BUT GOD will carry this for me. Matthew 11: 28 says, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
And God did that, he gave me rest from the heaviness of spirit I was carrying around.
When I wanted to go back to my old ways and not deal with my new life, I would think BUT GOD is making me new. Isaiah 61: 3 says, “Bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
God gave me that joy and praise when I had faith in him, and gave me the reassurance that he was doing something with the ashes of my past.
When I felt unlovable, I would think BUT GOD loves me. I would cling to Romans 8, which says that nothing can separate us from the love of God! How wonderful is that word, nothing, when applied to the surety of God’s love and how nothing can stand against it!
When I felt helpless or fearful, I would think BUT GOD will always help me when I call on him. Psalm 46: 1-2a says that “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, therefore we will not fear.”
I knew that I had no reason to fear because God was always there. His love would always be stronger than my fear!
When I felt weak, I would think BUT GOD has already provided all I need to be strong and fight. Ephesians 6: 10-17 tells us that we can be strong and stand against evil when it comes. God gives us the armor of God, which includes salvation, righteousness, faith, truth, and the Spirit. His armor helps us be prepared to share the Gospel of peace. I know that I can always stand in and on that reassurance.
When I felt that I could not be forgiven, I would think BUT GOD forgives! 1 John 1: 9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness”.
When the enemy made me think that what I did was too horrible to be forgiven, God gave me his word that he not only forgives me, but cleanses me.
When I felt lost, I would think BUT GOD has made my path clear. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight”.
I knew that my own understanding led me wrong and made me weary but I also knew that when I trusted God, I was being led on a path that led to peace and health.
When I felt the darkness try to close in on me, I would think BUT GOD is my light! Jesus himself says, in John 8: 12 that he is “the Light of the world” and that whoever follows him “will not walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life”. I love how Jesus says “I am”, not I was or I will be. His light is always present, casting out darkness for us.
God’s Word will always give us what we need. It is a living Word that is filled with wisdom and healing. God’s Word helps us to rest in him and can turn any feeling of frustration or confusion into one of peace and clarity. There is nothing, I repeat nothing, that you can go through in life where his words can not change your heart and perspective.
We can use the words BUT GOD to help us attach his word our hearts and conquer our worldly feelings and doubts. You can even use these two words when speaking to God. You can say things like “But God I don’t understand” or “But God why did this happen?” The answer to any BUT GOD question is simple one word, GOD. God himself will always be the answer, no matter the question.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
+Do I really believe his Word is true and applicable to my life?
+What are some passages of scripture that God has given me to give me faith or healing?
+Is there someone in my life who needs to hear the Word of God?
+Is there a “but God” question that I need to ask and trust that he will give the answer?
+Is there a moment in life when I have been able to think “but God” and found exactly what I needed?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Andrea Buie grew up as a South Carolina girl who currently lives in Georgia but her heart is in Colorado. She lived in CO for 5 years and was able to work for a Christian worldview organization called Summit Ministries. Her marriage is an example of how it's great to wait for God's perfect timing. She didn't get married until she was 40 and has never regretted the wait since her husband is perfect for her. Together, they have a furbaby named Maya and they love to take her on walks at the park near their home in Atlanta.