Building Bridges & Burning Ships: Part 6
“If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up…” - Ecclesiastes 4:10 NIV
I should clarify, “Building Bridges & Burning Ships” is a culmination of what I have learned throughout my young adult years in leadership. It was a long road to learn these lessons with mistakes along the way, times where bridges were burned and ships were built, instead of bringing unity there was disunity. Times where I found myself in the middle of disunity, instead of unity. In Part 5, we had discussed gender roles in leadership and I wanted to add to this conversation on gender with a topic that the church seems to be very controversial on; male/female friendships.
It always intrigues me to see the way each church approaches this issue. I’ve continued to be intrigued how gender issues can divide the church so quickly. Growing up in the church I did, they would predominantly have men sit on one side of the church and women sit on the other side of the church. The church I attended last had many members who would assume or even prophecy that I was dating, going to date, or marry the many different male friends I have (obviously all those prophecies couldn’t have been true lol). The latest church I’m at has male, female, single, and married friendships. It has been one of my favorites in regards to healthy friendships within a church.
Behind the scenes of what I was witnessing, I lived a very alternative life at home. My parents were actually really strict about dating, but very pro male/female relationships. I can only think of maybe two years of my life where I wasn’t bringing guy friends over to hang out with my parents. My parents even allowed sleepovers (sleeping in different rooms of course). They did not make the relationships about dating or marriage - but instead about whether or not we build one another up. It was all I knew and I learned later in life I’m extremely grateful for that outlook.
For me, I remember first encountering someone who wasn’t used to that. I remember being completely fine with my many male friends until one day when I stepped into leadership and all these rules/restraints felt like they came on me. Suddenly, I was potentially marrying a guy because we were friends (as rumors would have it). I had people prophesying over me and one man’s future (despite both of us not appreciating these prophecies because it felt like we had no control of our own lives). At one point, one young man took me on a walk and told me he and a pastor had some thoughts about decisions I was making in male friendships. This was an exceptionally hard season that left me confused on how I related to friends. I lost several important male friends in my life and I learned that it is important for me to discern who God does/doesn’t want in my life.
I want to tell you a secret from that season. You can be close friends with a man. However, it important to communicate, communicate, and communicate more - with each other. I lost one of my really close friends partially because he kept communicating with everyone else for advice, but never actually communicated with me personally. At the end of the day, the relationship is YOURS and you have to own it together. Once I realized that, I gained back a different important friend to me that we had been lost in the confusion of were we supposed to date or no. The reality is we have two very different lives, but we love one another and have learned to openly communicate together. He is a great person to call when I want to go to a game or head on an adventure.
Lastly, I learned these lessons and encountered one of my greatest friendships. God gave me a brother who I sometimes swear is the male version of me and a few years younger. We’ve both learned hard lessons and learned that having both male/female friendships are important. The most important thing we do is establish Jesus at the center of our relationship. When people have mistaken us to be married or dating, we are very upfront in correcting them. There is respect, honor, and building one another up. We also both recognize that Biblically you are only supposed to marry one person in your life. What does it profit us if we ban an entire gender for friendship because one day we will marry one man? I am so grateful for the amazing men that have been in my life who have inspired, uplifted, and taught me.
All of these rules in friendship count for our female friendships as well. Keep God at the center, communicate frequently, communicate with each other first, and add wise counsel when needed. These are recipes for a great friendship no matter what! Let’s build a bridge for male/female friendships and solid friendships in general. Burn the ships together that males and females can’t be friends. Stay tuned in part 7 for my in - depth thoughts on dealing with sexuality in a confused generation (my personal favorite topic as someone who has spent 10 years now talking with people about their unplanned pregnancies and this issue).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alycia Marie is a free-spirited wanderer learning to find roots. She currently resides in Milwaukee and serves the community of southeastern Wisconsin. You can typically find her outdoors, as long as it’s warm, hanging out with family/close friends and meeting soon-to-not-be strangers. In her spare time, she writes, drinks chai tea, and builds non-profits, homes, families, and people. Some people like to call it missions. She prefers well-digging.