Transitioning From Singleness To Marriage
Let me begin by saying, I was single for twenty years. (Which doesn't sound like that much time, but a lot of life happened in those twenty years.)
I was a self-described “strong and independent woman.”
Singleness was amazing, though it was hard some days (I’m downplaying how often I cried in my car), but it was fulfilling to know I was focusing my time on serving God.
Honestly, I expected there would be a much longer process between being single, and being in a relationship. Perhaps a couple of months of, “hmm, I could adjust to the idea of not being single anymore.” or something. Fireworks? A giant sign?
But, my transition from single to dating occurred in the length of time it took me to say, “Yes, I want to date you.” (And my husband and I dated more in courtship, so we were pretty serious from the get-go.)
I woke up one morning and realized I wasn’t single anymore. Yay?
This was exciting, but I noticed myself looking back with confusion on where my singleness had slipped away. A piece of me wanted to lean out of this new relationship and go back to being single. It was easier than figuring out how on earth this guy fit into all my plans.
I had expected to magically end up in a relationship, and poof! Overnight, I would become the perfect Godly girlfriend & now, wife. But, that didn’t happen.
I started to find myself clinging on more fiercely to my independence and becoming aloof in my relationship, or being more determined to assert my “strong & independent” nature.
Ask anyone a year ago, and I would have told them that one of my deepest desires was to get married. But, for that to happen, I’d have to date someone first.
I don’t think I’d thought through all the implications of that process.
I was fearful, and defensive against this beautiful thing God was giving to me. Specifically, something I had prayed over for most of my life.
I was afraid that a relationship would hinder my work in God’s plan. I was fearful that this Jesus-loving, servant-hearted, God-honoring man would be a barrier between God’s plan for my life and me.
I had very specific life plans, and this guy was going to make a mess of them!
I selfishly didn’t want to give up my life on the altar of God’s sovereignty because I was still trusting my own desires and understanding. To step forward where God was leading, I would need to let go of the identity of singleness and my plans of self-reliance.
Oh, but I really love my little plans. I liked to hold them close to my chest and prioritize them over anything else. My prayers were wrapped around what I was going to do and how God was going to make those plans happen. There wasn’t space for another human in my little plans. In truth, there wasn’t much space for God either.
I needed to take stock of where my identity was rooted and where I found fulfillment. Was it in God alone? Or was I outsourcing to things or life seasons that couldn’t supply me with eternal satisfaction?
There are three main things I needed to learn as I transitioned from singleness to marriage, I had to:
Learn to embrace vulnerability
What I mean by this is, I became very comfortable in my singleness battling through the hard moments on my own. I really struggled with being able to admit that I needed a hug and a supportive ear from my boyfriend.
I wanted to keep up this strong persona, but if I’m praying for this relationship to go for the long run, I have to learn how to say, “Hey, today was a bad day, and I really appreciate having someone to talk it out with, thank you for being supportive.”
“Carry each other's burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.”-Galatians 6:2 ESV
Paul encourages the church to come alongside one another and help each other, and this remains true within marriage and dating.
(I do encourage a degree of caution in what you share and how much you share while dating, but there is also an unrealistic expectation floating around out there that once you cross the aisle your husband will magically know everything happening inside your head.
When it has become apparent to you and your boyfriend that you both desire to move toward marriage together, there needs to be a new degree of honesty in your conversations.
This might be when you have that conversation about the past sin in your life, or the traumas you know you still are working through.
This doesn’t look like grumping around in silence expecting him to figure out what had frustrated you about your day, or what infraction he had accidentally committed.
This also doesn’t look like dumping every emotional thought onto your boyfriend and expecting him to be your new therapist, or constantly nagging him with how he should change to be better for you. There is a massive difference between sharing and suffocating.)
The moments I look back on where I saw the most growth in my relationship while dating my husband, was when we reached a new place of trust and both could share honestly. A safe and Godly relationship will provide a haven to be vulnerable in the knowledge that you both seek to care for the other and encourage the other in Christ.
Learn to let go and let him lead
“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit everything to their husbands.”- Ephesians 5:24 ESV
The submission Paul is talking about in this verse is not an enslaved, helpless submission. It’s the sort of submission expected from soldiers toward their military superiors.
I had to learn to trust my husband and to trust that God was directing his steps as well as mine.
I was so used to stepping up and getting things done, transitioning into a relationship was hard. It was really tempting to keep up my habits and plow ahead as the leader of the relationship. I respected my husband, but I was often saying and doing things that undermined his leadership in the relationship.
I’ve been learning that God’s design for marriage is for us ladies to take our hands off the steering wheel (or the backseat driver wheel), and to allow our husbands to step up and lead.
It’s so important as Christian women to honor and respect our husbands and the decisions they make for our own families. Our marriage reflects the Church and Christ, and how does it look when the bride mouths off to the groom or is always bossing him around?
If you aren’t letting your husband lead you in your marriage, maybe you need to check if you’re truly letting Jesus lead your life?
My transition between singleness and a healthy marriage became so much easier when I wasn't fighting my husband for the spot of leadership. I learned to appreciate having a partner I could trust to be walking in obedience to God and making God-honoring decisions for our future.
Learn to love “we”
““Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound,”- Ephesians 5:31-32a ESV
“Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”-Proverbs 18:1 ESV
I had to learn that I was no longer an “I,” but a part of a “we.”
I’m inclined toward introversion, and I used to idolize my solitude and isolation from the community.
I took pride in being a mysterious single woman, and I realized after beginning to date, that I truly had begun to rest my identity in that personal image.
I had spent so long allowing my singleness to become a mini-god in my life, it scared me to lose it.
God pointed this out to me and convicted me, and I realized that for me to transition well from singleness to marriage, I had to repent of the fears, egocentrism, and scornful thoughts holed up in my heart toward surrendering my singleness.
I had to open my eyes, heart, and soul to, first of all, repent of my pride, and secondly, accept this new mission standing right in front of me.
The work God had already given me in the community He placed me in, and this new mission as I dug deeper into this relationship, beginning to consider what and how it looks to give someone else my time, energy, love, advice, hugs, kindness, grace, apologies, trust, and respect.
I realized that a relationship built and given to God can be a mighty tool for Him to use. No longer am I just me, I am part of a team.
When I let go of my selfish ideas for my life, I could open up my plans and let God seep fully into space, and He helped me realize how He had already made space for this man in my life.
Huh, how about that?
God pointed out in my heart that nostalgia for my singleness was more harmful than noble. I needed to be a good steward to what was now given to me. When I was single I had to steward the work given to me then, and God had pointed out to me that daydreaming about imaginary relationships was detracting from my ability to interact with what He had given me. The same held true now in the reverse. My identity was never fixed in my relational status, and I needed to allow an elasticity to happen in my heart.
I’m not single anymore, and that’s ok. I’m not getting on a plane by myself for some wild adventure, and that’s ok. I’m pregnant, keeping a budget, settling a home, and I’m learning to steward this relationship. I’m learning to let God show me in new ways His divine strength, compassion, and sovereignty.
What did you have to learn in your transition from singleness to marriage? If you are single or married, what are you rooting your identity in? Your status? Or in your relationship with Jesus?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mia Grace loves sunflowers, words, old hardcover books, and fountain pens. She adores Jesus Christ, and seeks to listen and obey him in her life. Her life verse is Isaiah 52:7, and her prayer is for every girl to grasp the height, weight, depth, width, and power of Christ's love for them.