The Danger Of Emotional Affairs
Bridges of Madison County (1995), Notebook (2004), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997), An Affair to Remember (1957).
Have you ever seen these movies? If you haven’t seen them, I can’t in good conscience recommend them, they are very secular and represent lifestyles we as Christians should not seek to emulate.
But let’s be honest, we’re all women here, more than one of us has clutched a tissue box or pint of ice cream and wept through one of these films. I mean, he wrote her 365 letters for a year! And she was hit by a taxi! Their love is just meant to be!
If you ask a lot of guys, they aren’t big fans of these films.Not just because these are mushy-gushy films either, but because they are about affairs! Each one of these films is about a woman cheating on her spouse, her fiance, or her boyfriend. Let’s not forget about the woman who is jealous when her best guy friend gets engaged. Yet, no one has a problem with it because “they were made for each other.”
Look, as romantic and classic as these films are, the truth is, God’s good and perfect plan for your life is never going to require you to sin.
I get it! He’s funny, he listens, he’s kind - but girl, if you have made commitments and vows to another man, you get out of there.
Ok, I know, I know, you’ve been there, heard the talk. Don’t do affairs. Purity. Integrity. Yada yada.
What about that guy you’re spilling all your secrets to, but isn’t your boyfriend? Or that other guy you are always comparing to your fiance? That coworker you always find reasons to talk to, mostly because they’re fun and a little cute?
“But, that’s not an affair! We don’t have sex or anything. We’re just really good friends.”
Well, have you ever wondered how most affairs start?
It starts with just friends.
Some affairs are never physical, but they occupy our emotions and our hearts in the same way. It’s called having an emotional affair, and it’s more common than you realize.
It’s when you turn to another guy who is not your significant other for connection and intimacy.
Now, when you are single, your relationships are different. I have guy friends that I ran a ministry with, and we shared a lot about our lives with one another. I still kept super personal information for my gal friends. But, my guy friends were a part of a lot of my faith decisions and struggles.
This is a natural part of the Christian community. It was the community I needed as a single woman in the body of Christ. I had brothers-in-Christ who supported, encouraged, and loved me. I equally support, encourage, and love them. It’s how Christ intended us to commune with fellow believers.
When I started dating my fiance, whom I deeply love, I realized I would need to re-prioritize those relationships, especially with my guy friends.
A realization had to occur that my personal life was not my personal life anymore. My personal life personally involves my fiance. There were now parts of my life that my other guy friends did not get to have access to anymore.
I still have a friendship with my guy friends, we still chat and have fun, but by choosing to keep them at a certain distance in my heart, I’m able to honor their hearts, my fiance’s heart, and God’s heart.
Now, I realize this may read as extreme in our day and age. But God’s heart is very clear on the line we need to keep between our spouses and our friends.
““Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”- Hebrews 13: 4
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”- Matthew 19:4-6
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.”- Colossians 3:4-7
“Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”- 1 Timothy 5: 1-2
If he’s older than you, treat him like your dad.
If he’s your age or younger than you, treat him like a brother. Don’t toy with hearts, and don’t downplay the level of intimacy you allow certain guys to have in your life.
You will choose to make a holy covenant before God with the man you eventually marry. You will set him apart from all other guys and give him special privileges and knowledge into your life. He will also choose to make that covenant with you. No other guy you meet will have that same precedent. No matter how cute, friendly, or interesting he may be.
Be careful how much you allow a guy into your heart and mind if neither of you have the intention to pursue each other for marriage. Take stock of your current relationships.
Are you jealous when that guy friend gets attention from other girls? Do you stalk his feed? Do you spend hours on the phone with him for no real reason other than to talk to him? How much alone time are you spending with that one guy who is “just a friend”?” Guard your heart. Guard their heart. Bring another friend, limit your one-on-one conversations, stay accountable to your relationships. It’s not about fearing that something immoral will happen, but it’s about walking a path of integrity.
God gave us marriage and intentionally uses it as a teaching metaphor for His relationship with the Church. His relationship with us is incredibly unique and special. We shouldn’t ever let a human receive the level of commitment, intimacy and connection we give to God (that’s idolatry and a whole other can of worms).
In the same way, our husbands should receive a different level of commitment, intimacy and connection from other men. Those other men might be your brother-in-Christ, but your husband is bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. That’s sacred; defend that with your life.
Girl, don’t let your heart be kept by a man who isn’t interested in honoring your heart or giving you his full commitment. Don’t flirt where you don’t intend to be faithful. Give your friendship as a sister-in-Christ. But, guard your emotions and your time. He’s not yours. He is God’s. Letting yourself entertain and entangle his thoughts, passions, fears, and dreams with your heart, mind, and thoughts is not being a good friend. It’s entertaining lust.
A good friend honors and encourages a brother-or-sister-in-Christ to pursue integrity, purity, and most importantly, Jesus. This should be the intentions of our hearts in our pursuit of Godly community.
Where have you allowed certain guys into your life? What boundaries have you set to guard your heart?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mia Grace loves sunflowers, words, old hardcover books, and fountain pens. She adores Jesus Christ, and seeks to listen and obey him in her life. Her life verse is Isaiah 52:7, and her prayer is for every girl to grasp the height, weight, depth, width, and power of Christ's love for them.