Modesty and Dating: A Letter From a Mom of Four Boys
Years ago, when my boys were young and impressionable, one of the grandparents had a talk on modesty with them. They’d been upstairs, had all taken their bath before bedtime, and were probably running around naked (I’m rolling my eyes though - they were probably ages 5, 4, and 2). My husband’s dad taught them at that early age that it was good to keep private, what should be kept private. I don’t know why that stuck with all of us so much over the years, but I’m thankful for his lessons on this topic, because it’s something I think about often as a mom of four sons and my perspective comes more from this angle.
In my opinion, social media is wonderful and I love to use mine for good. Because we have four sons, though, we’re on everything they are, meaning we see what they share and we see their friends’ posts too. This means we also see what some of their friends’ wear, include female friends. I cringe, and I quickly scroll past.
The topic of modesty is often considered old-fashioned. But I think back to what my father-in-law taught my sons at young ages, about keeping things covered, and it also reminds me of being pure. For years at our place of worship, I worked with the teenage girls in our student ministry. This was a topic we tried to talk about often, because even though some consider it outdated, it is very relevant in today’s world. If I could sit down, have a cup of coffee and talk with every young girl or young lady I know, we would talk about this. It’s so important to remember that as believers and followers of Jesus, we are called to live holy lives. Living a holy life should affect how we live each day: what we wear, what we do, what we say, the movies and shows we watch, the music we listen to, the things we think about, and even the people we consider our closest friends.
But as the one who called you is holy, you also are to be holy in all your conduct; for it is written, “Be holy, because I am holy.” -1 Peter 1:15-16, CSB
One way we can live a life that is holy is to remember who we represent. Our bodies are the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit and we should remember that each day as we get dressed.
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. -1 Corinthians 6:19-20, ESV
I don’t know about you, but I want the Lord to be glorified in every area of my life, and I want to be careful in how other people perceive me. That leads me to another point, though, and that is that when we see someone dressed immodestly, it could cause someone to stumble in their walk with God. Ladies, I’m thinking of my sons, here.
Consider this question: what if you knew of a teenage boy in your family who struggled with pornography? What if he was being healed of this addiction, and then while clicking through Snapchat stories, he came across a young girl revealing a part of her body that she should be keeping covered? In an instant, that young teenage boy is immediately sucked back into the vice grip of pornography.
Dressing modestly and purity go hand in hand. It’s not easy, this way of backwards living - constantly being opposite of the world around us - but it is possible. The Bible instructs us to guard our hearts above all else, because it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). As temples of the living God, He will equip us to walk this way. It takes perseverance, and that can be gained by spending time in His word every day and through prayer. He would never call us to live a holy life unless He could help us live that way. This way of living requires self-discipline. We must keep vigil over every area of our lives. If there is something in your life that hinders you from living a holy life pleasing to God, get rid of whatever it is. If it’s social media, take a break for a time and see how the quality of your life improves.
Whatever you do, don’t just take my word for any of this. Let’s take a look at what the Bible has to say on this topic of modesty:
Also, the women are to dress themselves in modest clothing, with decency and good sense, not with elaborate hairstyles, gold, pearls, or expensive apparel, but with good works, as is proper for women who profess to worship God. -1 Timothy 2:9-10, CSB
Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes, but rather what is inside the heart – the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. -1 Peter 3:3-4, CSB
For everything in the world – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one’s possessions – is not from the Father, but is from the world. -1 John 2:16
If you’re a young lady who is single and reading this, may I encourage you for the next few moments?
I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be single in this day and time of instant everything, and living life in a social media saturated world, knowing that every instant is on display. I don’t say this lightly, but I am stopping right now to pray for you. I ask the Lord to strengthen you as you wait on Him to make His next move in your life. When you begin to date someone, if the Lord has this in mind for you, don’t be afraid to be completely open and honest about how you intend to live your life through the early stages of a relationship. Don’t be ashamed to ask him to be the one who prays over you, as you break bread together. Pray together every time you’re together, ask him about where he is reading in the Bible, and share where you are in Scripture as well. Talk about the Lord and His goodness, and share about what He has done in your life and how He is real to you. Ask him to do the same.
Husbands are called to be the spiritual leaders in the home, and you should see very quickly whether or not he could take on this role someday. Don’t date lightly, either, but consider each time you’re asked out on a date, if this is someone you could see yourself with for the rest of your life. Date with a goal in mind. Don’t feel like you need to dress sexy for him, either. Reserve that for when you’re married. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice, but don’t show him too much. He shouldn’t struggle in his intent to stay pure when he sees how you’re dressed. Leave a LOT to the imagination.
Also, careful to not put yourself in a situation you won’t be able to get away from. If staying pure has been a struggle for you in the past, don’t be alone together at either of your homes. Stay out in the public. If you’re being tempted with this struggle, call a friend or a family member and see if you can go to their house for an impromptu game night. My best friend’s son did this before he was married. If they were tempted to break their intention of staying pure until their wedding night, they would just show up at her front door.
There is no shame in any of this. Trust me when I say that I speak from experience on this: what you give away too early, you will never regain, and that will affect you for the rest of your life.
Consider finding some trusted friends you can talk about all of this with. Look within your place of worship. If you know of an older lady you just know that you would hit it off with, ask her to start meeting with you for discipleship purposes. If you don’t know of anyone like that you could reach out to, consider asking a friend or a staff member. The Lord never intended for us to walk alone in life. Accountability is a great thing, but be careful in whom you choose. It should be someone at least a little older, and the fruit of the Holy Spirit should be obvious in her life: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
If you’re someone who once was a virgin, and you are no longer, I believe with all of my heart that the Lord can redeem that for you. If you have not already, confess this to Him, repent of your sin, and He will make you clean. There is no condemnation for those of us who belong to Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)! Accept the mercy the Lord extends to you and move on. One way the enemy messes with us is by throwing fiery darts at our minds, and we start to feel shame. But once we belong to the Lord, He sees us as perfect and holy. Someone needs to read that again, slowly.
Once we belong to the Lord, He sees us as perfect and holy.
A closing prayer: Lord, thank You for Your mercies that are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23)! Help us to live holy lives, Lord, and strengthen us when we are weak. I believe one way we can live a holy life is to remember that we are to honor You with our bodies. Help us with this, Lord Jesus. I know You will, and I thank You in advance. I ask all of this in your beautiful and strong name. Amen.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
When Jennifer isn't focusing on her family of her husband and four (almost) grown sons, she is passionate about leading women to a deeper knowledge of and relationship with Jesus, through the reading of the Bible and through prayer. After years of serving in student ministry, the Lord pulled her out of that and planted her solidly in the women's ministry within her local church. She leads a small group on Wednesday nights, and together they study the word of God verse by verse, and book by book of the Bible. She loves to write, and you can find her sharing regularly on her blog, Overflowing With Thanksgiving. She also loves to sing and to help lead worship at her church, and will always be a choir girl at heart. You can find out more about her and her hobbies on her favorite social media outlet Instagram, as JenLloydGoodwin.