Purposed Pain
After having my third miscarriage at 18 weeks pregnant, I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life. I was forced to give birth to a daughter I would never be able to care for. Who I would only dream and wonder what her little hands may one day do. Why would He allow such a loss? How would I ever smile again?
Months prior to losing our daughter, Illona, I had been getting up at 4:30 am when the house was quiet to spend time with God. I’d read my devotional, get on my knees and pray, and read my Bible. I felt so good about the consistency of getting God’s word in and having intentional prayer time every day.
It was so hard to ensure it would get done with 4 kids at home during a pandemic. This time alone with God was so important to me. I loved it. I could feel my faith growing and my understanding of His word deepening.
I so clearly remember the morning everything changed. I had completed my normal reading, studying, and prayer routine, I even got a workout in. Later that day, I would find out that our daughter we expected to arrive in just a few short months had died.
I hate admitting that there was a very short period of time I felt so frustrated and confused with God. “I gave you my mornings, I did what you asked, I consistently prioritized you and this is what happens?”, I thought.
There is a part of me that is so embarrassed to admit that in my grief I felt as if my relationship with God was so transactional. How could he allow this?
I have come to realize God was simply preparing me during these months of study and prayer to strengthen me for what was to come. I can’t even imagine where I would be without those hours of study and prayer. This is where testimonies are forged.
What I didn’t know is that months later, God would speak to me while brushing my teeth one night. He would say, “You will have a daughter and you will name her Hope.” Days later I found out I was pregnant. Almost a year to the day Illona died, our daughter Hope entered the world.
On the two-year anniversary of Illona’s death, I would publish my first book, Pink Balloons, helping children to understand God’s goodness through losing a sibling through miscarriage. I would also launch The Mom of Hope blog and ministry helping other loss moms find hope in Jesus.
She was knit together in my womb. Intentionally created to only be here for a short time but with the purpose of setting me on my path.
Romans 5:1-5 says: Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (NIV)
It is easy to have faith and praise God when things are good. But what a beautiful thing to serve, worship, trust, and love God because we choose and not because He saves us from all the things in this world that will hurt us.
He uses our suffering and pain to strengthen our character and deepen our faith if we allow Him. This cultivates a testimony so powerful, we can change lives simply by sharing what God has done in our lives.
Too often we forget the Gospel we love so much was built off of difficulty and trials and ultimately the crucifixion of Jesus. Jesus’ trials and pain prepared the way for the resurrection, His grace in our lives, and ultimately eternal life with Him.
We live in a fallen world. One that leaves us feeling broken, takes us through trials, and can cause bitterness and resentment. BUT GOD.
He weaves all this hurt and loss together to create something even more beautiful in us. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”
I couldn’t see it then. Through my hurting, grief, and empty womb, He was leading me to my calling.. My purpose in His kingdom. I can honestly say so many amazing things have come from our daughter’s death because I decided to turn my eyes to Him instead of away.
I think of the refiner’s fire. The heat, the melting, the hammering all to be made more in the image of God. My heart and faith were tested in these times of grief, sadness, and loss only to build my faith stronger and add to my testimony.
I could’ve stayed angry or allowed my faith to be broken but I chose to trust His plan for my life instead of my own.
Today I challenge you, no matter what trial or hardship you are facing, to turn your eyes to Jesus. In the valley, He is with you. Trust Him. Praise Him. Pray. Read His word. Remember He has not left you or forsaken you. He has a great purpose for your pain.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ashley is a wife, mother of 5, blogger, and entrepreneur who is focused on raising her children with God at the center. She has a passion for helping others cope and navigate life’s hardships with hope and grace. She has continued to grow her faith through recent trials and believes in the power of testimony in sharing God's grace and mercy. Her husband is in seminary school and they are both very excited to see the purpose God has for their marriage in His kingdom. She enjoys connecting with other Christians, running/spinning and spending time with her family. For more of her writing go to www.themomofhope.com where she writes about faith, miscarriage and other hardships, and parenting all through a lens of hope.