Keeping The Faith With An Imperfect Body
I recently took engagement pictures with my fiancé, and the photoshoot was magical. It was this really special hour that I will treasure.
Our photographer sent us some of the highlights, and I loved them — but, ugh, was that really me? Fifteen pounds heavier than I started this year, my jawline was soft, and my hips seemed ridiculously wide.
I was struggling to enjoy these images because I couldn’t get past what I considered my physical failings.
I’ve grown up with this inner voice always mocking me and tearing at the body I see in the mirror. I was convinced for so long that the reason I was alone was because I ugly. My arms were too big, my thighs were too thick, my stomach always bunched when I sat down. I had some moments where I thought that God wouldn’t listen to me because I was chubby.
I had it suggested to me that maybe if I lost weight, guys would notice me and want me because I was finally attractive.
I started working out and eating healthier, lost fifteen pounds, and stayed there. I thought, “Finally, I’m attractive. I’m getting there.”
I fell in love and started dating a wonderful guy, and then COVID-19, and the fires in my state, and a full-time desk job happened, and I couldn’t go outside. I was exhausted when I came home from work, and I was busy driving back and forth between cities visiting my guy. I gained weight back.
I stared at my pictures, and all I could focus on were the flaws of my body. My loving fiancé didn’t notice.
“You are so attractive to me,” he said.
“But I’m not skinny.”
“You’re gorgeous.”
I struggled to believe him.
I was reminded of an exchange in the Song of Songs. The Shulamite is describing herself and commenting on her tan skin (there is a ton of commentary wrestling through why her skin is tan, and what it means that she neglected her vineyards. I think, regardless of the reason, she is uncomfortable with her appearance, because it is not how she desires herself to look.)
”Dark am I, yet lovely,
daughters of Jerusalem,
dark like the tents of Kedar,
like the tent curtains of Solomon.
Do not stare at me because I am dark,
because I am darkened by the sun.
My mother’s sons were angry with me
and made me take care of the vineyards;
my own vineyard I had to neglect (Song of Songs 1:5-6).
And how does her love respond?
“You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, as lovely as Jerusalem” (Song of Songs 6:4b).
He likens her to these two beautiful, majestic, dignified cities of the time. She admits that she isn’t beautiful by the culture’s standard, her body has been used, and she didn’t have the time or luxury to maintain it to a certain standard.
It reminded me that my body may not be what Hollywood pitches. But, this body serves its purpose to get me around my day. This body has no impact on my salvation. The state of my body does not change the view God has of me. He sees me through the lens of Christ’s blood that purchased and redeemed me. He sees a woman of God.
Can that be enough? When I fall asleep and miss a workout. When my hips are a little thicker. When I only had time for a couple of squats. When my run was cut short because of the bad air quality. Can my identity in Christ be enough?
Maybe I can believe there is a reason Jesus said,
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matthew 6:25)
I hear the verse, “your body is a temple!” (1 Corinthians 6:19) referenced a lot, and it’s used as the proof that God wants us to keep our bodies fit and in shape. But, folks, the temple looked pretty different over the course of history. It was a beautiful, ornately decorated place in Jerusalem, yes. But, it was also a tent for a while. There were requirements for how the temple was to be built, and run, but there was no greater requirement than that those who enter the temple come with clean and obedient hearts before God. If my body is the physical temple, how have I maintained the “holy of holies” — the intimate places of my heart and soul where I have invited God to dwell?
Or have I been too busy polishing the marble outside?
”As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:38-42).
Once again, there is a ton of commentary on this passage, but what I want you to grab from it today is simply this; only one thing is needed: Jesus.
If you are sitting right now, worrying over the stretch marks, the extra weight, the lost weight, the too many curves, the crooked tooth, the hair that never quite does the messy bun right, the dark circles… I ask you to stop worrying about them. Your body is going to grow, shift, change, and one day, it will be dust and there is nothing you can do to alter that reality.
“My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.”- (Psalm 139:15-18).
If you are struggling with a food addiction, or stress eating, or a health condition that is affecting your body, I encourage you to be patient with yourself, darling. New habits and healing bodies take time.
But can I plead with you? Let it rest. If you are curvy, keep the faith. If you are raising five kids and your postpartum body doesn’t have abs like that other woman, keep the faith. If you are a workout warrior, keep the faith. If you’re battling acne, keep the faith. You have a value, a love, a redemption that does not change. Keep the faith.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mia Grace loves sunflowers, words, old hardcover books, and fountain pens. She adores Jesus Christ, and seeks to listen and obey him in her life. Her life verse is Isaiah 52:7, and her prayer is for every girl to grasp the height, weight, depth, width, and power of Christ's love for them.