I'm Not Who I Want To Be
For as long as I can remember, insecurity has been a part of my life. As a child, I had a skin disease called vitiligo, which causes loss of color that appears in patches. Fortunately, these blotches have become far less noticeable as I’ve grown up in the desert sun, but during junior high, I was incredibly insecure about my pale skin. I had ultra-white patches on the eyelids which made it look like I was constantly wearing eyeshadow and I always had to wear twice as much sunscreen as everyone else and constantly take breaks during my soccer games to reapply. Until wearing make-up became acceptable and age-appropriate, I would hate seeing myself in the mirror.
Even today, there are many times I really don’t like myself. I wake up in the morning, and I don’t like the reflection of the woman I see in the mirror. Not just because my skin is blotchy and pale, but because I’m far from the person I want to be. I have so many great intentions of becoming this “better person,” of becoming more like Jesus, of fulfilling His purposes for my life, and I just fall flat on my face time and time again, surrendering to the sin of insecurity.
Insecurity will rob us of all that God wants us to become and hinder us from living out our purpose. We become self-conscious, concerned about what other people think, and insecure about different parts of our lives. Insecurity is defined as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself, a lack of confidence, a lack of security.
The greatest tragedy in life is to not become everything God wants us to become, and insecurity is the enemy’s most-utilized tactic to rob us of experiencing the freedom and security of Christ. The greatest effect that insecurity will have on your life concerns your relationship with God. The deeper the insecurity, the more likely you will struggle in your relationship with Him — focusing on yourself, blaming Him in bitterness, rather than worshipping Him in gratitude.
In Judges 6, we see how Gideon fought insecurity and how we can have God-fidence, a confidence that comes from God:
“Gideon, son of Joash, was threshing wheat at the bottom of a winepress to hide the grain from the Midianites...Then the angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, 'Mighty hero, the Lord is with you!” -Judges 6:11-12, NLT
Mighty? Valiant? He's hiding. He's afraid. He's terrified. He's at the bottom. He's basically in a pit trying to make a sandwich. The Angel of the Lord shows up and says, "I see you as heroic. I don't see you as you see you. I see all that you can be and will be." He saw things in Gideon he didn't see in himself, and he says, "You're going to be the one to deliver My people."
There’s so much we can glean from Gideon’s battle with insecurity. Finding security in Christ, rather than the things of this world, displaces our love of self. That’s the root of insecurity. Insecurity is simply another form of narcissism or pride. Insecurity is often left undealt with and goes on for so long without being confessed as a sin because we often don’t equate it with sin. We constantly think so little of ourselves that it slips by as a pet sin. Yet we endeavor to be women who strive to live in righteousness, fully secure in our God-given identities.
If you are battling insecurity, how do you overcome it? How do you win the victory and begin to live truly free of Satan’s negative, self-defeating obstacles?
1. Ask God to expose the problem of insecurity.
Think about the things Gideon was looking for confidence in. One of them was signs: "If God is really going to work, then I have to have a sign." We're told in this story four different times that he looked for a sign. That's the problem with signs. They don't last. The other arena he looked for confidence in was comparison. “If I was more impressive, if I was from a better family, if I didn't have this baggage in my past, if I was from a stronger tribe,” he said. "How can you use me? I'm from the weakest clan in the weakest family, and you're going to use me?"
What are you trusting in? What are you finding security in? All too often we try to find security in the promotion and success of a career, the invitations to parties from the “in-crowd” group of friends, the status of being in a dating relationship, the number on our bank statements, the material items we strive after like fancy clothes or expensive hobbies, or the likes, comments, viewers, and followers on social media. All of these will rob us of our confidence when we rely on being secure in that which is temporary and constantly changing.
Finding value and security in these is drawing from a well that will always leave you wanting and in need. Anything temporary will always be temporary and will always leave you wanting. If you are looking for your confidence to come from that, you will always be on the roller coaster ride of emotions and never experience the security of God that comes from knowing Him, walking with Him, and trusting in Him.
As painful as it may seem, be willing to open your heart to Him and confess your feelings of low self-esteem. God already knows exactly what you are feeling, and He has a plan already in place to help you view your life differently from His perspective, so be honest and ask, ‘what causes me to feel insecure?”
2. Replace the lies of insecurity with the truth of your God-given identity.
By dwelling in your insecurity, you forfeit seeing how God can work and all he wants to do in your life. If Gideon had he walked away from the line, he would have forfeited seeing everything God was about to do before him. Instead, God sees and says something about Gideon that Gideon never would have even seen or said about himself: "You are a mighty, valiant warrior, and I am with you."
The enemy is relentless in his attack on your mind. If he notices you turning a fearful or insecure ear to listen to his accusations, he will open up a full assault on your emotions until you have collapsed in the dust of disappointment. But God never meant for you to struggle with feelings that lead to defeat. Whatever the labels you wear or have worn in the past, they are lies when you compare them to the truths God says about you. You are loved. You were created on purpose. If you have trusted in Jesus, you are pure, righteous, and holy. Everything in your past or present does not define you the way Christ does. You have been forgiven. You're a child of God. Those are the labels that are most true about you.
3. Grow in your God-fidence through obedience
Do you want to stop thinking about yourself so much and relinquish insecurity? Think of other people and ways you can serve. The disciples throughout Scripture kept asking Jesus on multiple occasions, “who’s the greatest?” revealing their insecurity and pride to be better than others. When Jesus rose from the grave, they knew Who was the greatest and in turn, began to live on mission and serve others. Similarly, when pride and envy begin to take root in your heart, pray for those you’re jealous of, praising God for the things you want in other people.
Keep busy doing your Father’s business. God doesn’t make mistakes, and He has crafted you personally, creating you in His image, and designed you as His workmanship for you to do works He has planned for you since the foundations of the world. Be obedient to what He’s calling you to do. He’s instilled passions in you for a purpose, so be busy about His business and find your significance in His work, rather than your perceived lack.
Next time you look in the mirror and don’t like the person you see, don’t be discouraged about where you’re at. Don’t make an excuse for staying there either. Remind yourself that with God’s help today you will be the person He wants you to be. You will get back up and take that step forward no matter how many times you fall. You will repent, renew your mind, and walk in the Spirit no matter how many times you fail.
You may not be the person you want to be. You may have a lot of things to work on. Many habits to change. Many goals to set. Just like Paul, you can learn to live by His nature, instead of yours. You can learn to adopt His thoughts as your own. You can trade in your weakness for His power. You can let go of your shame and guilt and live by His grace and strength.
You can be that person you want to be…not because you try hard enough, but because of Who you have living inside of you. With Him walking next to you every single day, your character, your thoughts, and your life will transform and be like His.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hannah is a twenty-something Tucson native saved by the overwhelming grace of Christ and a disciple of His Word. Hannah loves country music, camping and hiking, binge watching Gilmore Girls and traveling on spontaneous road trips. Her favorite days consist of a great cup of coffee, a good book, and enjoying monsoon thunderstorms. She longs to see young women thrive in their relationship with Jesus, knowing He always has immeasurably more in store for us.