God Will Meet You Where You Are

I want to start by introducing myself. My name is Caitlyn, I am 17 years old and I feel led to share my story.

I was born in Florida in 2009 and I stayed there until me, my mother, and my older sister moved to Louisiana in 2012. My father was very mentally abusive and controlling which ultimately led to my mother leaving. My father was not a Christian and he was completely hostile to the idea of Christianity, but my mother would still take me and my older sister to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. One night when my mother came home she found that my older sister, who at the time was 7, had a black eye. She asked her what happened and she said daddy hit me. My mother confronted my father and he claimed it was an accident that he meant to hit her forearm.

My mother was worried there was more going on and called Child Protective Services. The CPS social worker told my mother that this was not the first time they had seen him. He abused my two older brothers as well. My mother prayed that night and asked God if he wanted her to leave to give her a neon green sign, a sign she couldn’t ignore. The next day he called my mother and told her to leave and to not come back. So she did. My mother left and went back to our now home, Louisiana. 

The last and only memory I have of my father wasn’t a good one. My father and my Titi Goody, who was there as his supervisor, came to visit me and my sister. My mom was fearful about allowing us to go with him, but by law she had to. The only rule was we were not allowed to leave the parish and that was the first thing he did. My sister immediately realized that we were going way too far and we had been driving for a long time. My mom had bought her a tiny iphone for this purpose. When we got to a store my sister went to the bathroom and texted our mom about the situation and my mom immediately called the cops. That was the last time I saw my father. He would call us daily and keep in touch and would send us gifts on our birthday and birthday messages. Then as of the past three years he stopped replying to my messages and he stopped answering my calls. 

When I was around 9 I attempted to reach out to one of my brothers. I would message him daily, but then one day, just like my father, he stopped replying to my messages and he stopped answering my calls. I felt like a piece of me was slowly being stripped away. That whole side of my family was gone from my life. I felt alone and I felt embarrassed for trying.

When I was 6, my mother married my step-father, and he became my best friend. He slowly started to fulfill the father role that was missing from my life. He taught me how to bait a hook, back up a trailer, he taught me how to fish, but then just like the rest of my family, that started to be taken from me too. We started arguing more and more and more. I saw the friction between him and my older sister. I started to listen to their fights and I quickly learned he wasn’t who I thought he was. We began to drift apart. Soon that turned into him calling me names, yelling, fighting, doors slamming, crying and screaming and I felt trapped. My mom felt obligated to defend me and my sister and from that point on their marriage started to crumble and I felt guilty.  I learned to never let my guard down and to always stay at least one step ahead. I created a switch in my brain so that if I began to feel too much, I could turn it off and not let his words affect me.

At this point, I had already been baptized. I thought baptism and salvation were equal. Of course, I didn’t really know what it meant. I just knew that I wanted to go to heaven and I thought baptism was the way I was going to do that.  

“Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the father, we too might walk in the newness of life.”

-Romans 6:3-4 (ESV) 

I ended up getting baptized when I was 9 years old in the church I grew up in. 

I still remember those words “risen to walk in a newness of life.”, but nothing about my behavior changed and yeah, I was 9 years old, I wasn’t doing anything super bad. There wouldn’t have been a radical change in living either way, but my heart posture was wrong. In fact, I felt more empty than I ever had before. My relationship with everyone I knew was disappearing, except for my sister. My sister stayed strong throughout all of it and that gave me hope that I could get through it too. 

That same year, at 9 years old, I was exposed to pornography. I don’t remember how, but I remember playing on my laptop sitting in the living room with my grandma. I didn’t understand what I was looking at, but I knew it was bad. I didn’t realize until years later how much it had changed me and my mindset. When my mom had “the talk” with me, I had to pretend like I didn’t understand even though I did. My innocence was stolen from me way too young and unfortunately that’s the reality for way too many women.

At 11 years old I started playing keyboard in a worship band that my sister, her boyfriend at the time, his sister, and one of their friends started. I had been learning classical piano since I was 8 and decided to learn chords for the band. 

When I was 14 years old I almost took my life. I was numb. If I felt anything at all it was nothing but anger and sadness. I went to the bathroom with a bottle of pills and a glass of water, sat on the toilet and thought about life as silent tears streamed down my face. I sat in there for a long time and then decided that would be too selfish of me. I put the pills away and went to sleep as if nothing happened. I had always struggled with doubt. I thought what if Christianity is just another religion? Every religion thinks theirs is true, what if we’re just another religion. I didn’t feel God and I didn’t hear from God. I didn’t understand why God would let so many people hurt me. I felt defeated, alone, lost, and confused. I felt like a fraud, like a hypocrite. I was the definition of a lukewarm Christian. 

One night, I spoke to a friend of mine about my faith. He shared with me his journey, his struggles and temptations and he told me to just lay it all down to God. He would say that all the time. He told me that was the answer, but I never knew what that really meant. I didn't know what it truly meant to “lay it all down to God”. Months later, after we talked about that, he was taking me home and said “so…How’re you and homeboy Jesus doing?” I laughed and said I guess about the same. He asked me what I meant and I told him nothing has changed. He asked why not and I said I didn't know. He then replied “just saying…God isn’t going to push you away.” and that stuck with me. I felt convicted and honestly a little embarrassed to say that after 6 months I was still the same lukewarm Christian. So, that night I kneeled at my bed and prayed and prayed and prayed. I thought back to Genesis 3:1. 

“Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, You shall not eat of any tree in the garden?”

-Genesis 3:1 (ESV)

The same sin satan sowed in the heart and mind of Eve in the garden was the same sin that had taken root in my heart. We are predisposed not to believe what God says. When we doubt, it’s so easy to forget all the undeniable proof that God is real, but if we’re wise we will accept the mysteries, wrestle with them, and wait for answers while we’re studying God’s word. 

That night was the night I decided I was done living a lukewarm life. 

I truly decided to start 100% unapologetically living for Christ. 

I am so grateful that Christ has given me so many wonderful opportunities to serve him. I play bass guitar in my band, I lead worship on Wednesdays for our youth service, I am surrounded with people who love Jesus and being able to share my story is another opportunity He has given me to serve him.

I thought that the things I had been through, the broken presumably unfixable mess that I was, the sins, the shame and guilt, I thought that would always define me. Jesus changed my heart and taught me that my past does not have the final say over my life. What I went through is part of my story, it's not who I am. He continues to remind me that my life has purpose beyond my pain. You are not beyond God’s love and you are not beyond his forgiveness. Jesus will meet you wherever you are and give you a new identity. 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away: behold, the new has come.”

b- 1 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)