As I approach my third wedding anniversary, I’m aware of just how much I didn’t know about marriage when I first got a ring on my finger. I thought that I was the kind of person who was more interested in having a good marriage instead of planning a good wedding, so I focused on reading as many books about marriage as possible and listening to all the advice I could find beforehand.

The reality is that the transition from single to married is strange. For me, I had been living on my own for about six years without roommates when I suddenly had to merge my entire life with another person, a person whom I had chosen and loved deeply, but it was still a shock in ways I had not imagined.

I had my life arranged in ways that worked for me, and I enjoyed feeling in control of my time and my life.

While dating, I was able to keep that control. It’s easy to be presentable and put together when you know exactly which afternoons you’ll be seeing your significant other. There’s no way to keep up a facade when they see you at all times of the day. 

You also no longer have complete control over the decisions that you make. Even small changes like a different milk sitting in your fridge can leave you feeling off if you are used to having things a certain way, nevermind the larger changes that actually impact your life.

When I turn to the Bible to learn about marriage, I’m drawn to passages like 1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV):

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” -1 Corinthians 13:13

But, I’ve realized that I rarely need a reminder to be more loving. I’m already pretty aware that I need to love others, and the celebration of romantic love is constant in our society today. Most of us already know that love is powerful. What some of us struggle with more is learning to be in unity with our spouses.

Right now the verse that is teaching me the most about marriage comes from the beginning of Genesis when God creates Adam and Eve.

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV).

This is a verse that would look out of place on a Valentine’s card, and it doesn’t exactly sound romantic. However, the idea of becoming one is an integral part of marriage.

You are still your own person, but you are now operating as part of a unit. Relating to your spouse as if you are both on the same team changes the way you think and act.

It’s hard not to think about yourself all the time when that’s what you are used to doing, but focusing just on yourself doesn’t help your marriage. On the other hand, focusing just on what your spouse wants all the time isn’t healthy either. You’ll end up feeling both resentful and guilty that you feel resentful. Instead, becoming “we” instead of “I” or “you” changes the way that you relate to each other.

When you start to grow together as one, you are not necessarily giving up the individuals that you are. Rather you are getting the chance to see how the person you are becomes stronger when working with your spouse.

I’m still far from perfect when it comes to thinking about “we” instead of “me.” It’s something that takes time, but as far as I can tell from observing long-term marriages, the results are worth the effort.

How can you grow together with your spouse? Are there areas where you could focus more on “we” instead of “me”?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elizabeth is an educator at heart. So far this has taken the form of a camp counselor, a museum assistant, and currently a middle school teacher. She loves to watch people grow and learn. You can read more of her writing at her blog Chronicles Of A Southern Belle.