The Goodness Of Singleness
When I was a freshman in high school, my friend in the youth group made a bet with me that I would be married by the time I turned 25. While the bet was made partly in jest, the lingering idea that I could be married made me hopeful. So I followed Jesus closely throughout high school and college, avoiding the many temptations that encompass the college party scene, assuming the Lord would honor the bet by granting me a godly husband by 25. In my mind, I thought that I had to wait for a few months then God would lead a godly man that looked like Jess Mariano straight to my doorstep.
Celebrating my 25th birthday was bittersweet as the ten-year-old bet came to a close; while I inherited the victory of being right and winning the bet, (I can be very competitive!) I was surprisingly overwhelmed by a feeling of loss and an unsettling feeling of lack. As more time passed, I grew impatient and was ready to quit. I thought of doing it my own way because I felt like God was taking too long — just like Abraham in Genesis 16.
Twenty-five came and went. Then another year. And another...
Any process that involves waiting is never easy. In our culture especially, where it seems like everyone is either dating or married, the pressure to be in a relationship is real. Unfortunately, this pressure manifests itself within the Church as well. I grew up in church culture and in the world that told me that if you save yourself for marriage then God will bless you with the perfect spouse in response to your obedience. I have seen marriages that started out that way that later ended in divorce. Why wasn’t God holding up His end of the deal? That’s not what we’ve been told He would do.
Have you ever been tempted to use your “good deeds” in an attempt to unlock God’s favor so that He might bless you with a husband? We’ve begun to feel entitled and have allowed pride to come in with this “I deserve…” narrative. We put in our church attendance, we don’t dress provocatively, we save our virginity and He responds by making all our marital thousand-yellow-daisy dreams come true, right? I mean, the Bible does have verses like:
“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” -Psalm 37:4
“If you ask Me anything, in My name, I will do it.” -John 14:14
“If two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.”- Matthew 18:19
Weren’t those two people agreeing in marriage? But now are divorced? Why did it backfire? Maybe God isn’t who we thought He was. Exactly! He isn’t who we thought He was. He isn’t a genie in the bottle. He isn’t here to serve us. He isn’t a divine butler or a vending machine. He is who He says He is! He is the One who has told us He will always be in His Word.
The blame is on us for not reading His Word, for not knowing who He says He is, for not taking the time to get to know Him and for snatching His words out of their context and making them mean to us what they never meant when He said them. That’s the problem!
What Bible verses have you been tempted to “claim” in your singleness? Have you taken the time to examine the context to see if they might have a different meaning? [Side note: if you’re looking for a new bible study, I recommend looking at the most popular verses in Scripture and studying their context; you’ll never look at Philippians 4:13 or Jeremiah 29:11 the same way!]
“I did all the right things! My desires are good!” the purity culture declares!
Yet we find ourselves still single. God has said no.
Our goal was godly marriage. Our goal should have been godliness. Those two are not mutually exclusive. My deeper pursuit of godliness alone, with lots of mentoring and intentionally pursuing Christ’s heart for marriage, revealed that the only reason to get married is if the two of you bring God more glory together than either of you does apart. If you would be actively robbing God of the glory that He deserves by being apart from this person, then get married. Otherwise, pursue and enjoy singleness.
We often pray, “God, if this isn’t what You want, please take away this desire.” If we’re not careful, we assume that if our desire remains, then God is going to say yes to that. God’s no and your desires can co-exist, even your very good desires. Have you ever considered that God’s will for your life might not align with your desires? Three men in Scripture experienced God’s no despite their good desires:
In 2 Samuel 7, King David wanted to build a temple for God, and the prophet Nathan tells him to do all that is in his heart, for the Lord was with him. God corrected Nathan’s words and told him God had a different assignment for David. David responds in thanksgiving and praise. That is a heart that knows and trusts God regardless; that is a heart that knows how to surrender.
In 2 Corinthians 12:1-10, we read about Paul’s thorn in his flesh. Paul asked three times for it to be taken away. God said no. Why? Because His grace is sufficient for you, and His power is made perfect in weakness. Paul’s response was surrender.
In Luke 22:39-46, we see Jesus, on the night before He was crucified, sweat drops of blood praying to the Father. In His anguish, He pleaded if there was any other way than the cross, any other assignment. Jesus responded to the Father, “not My will, but Yours be done.” He surrendered.
I’ve heard that the only task a human will never tire from is surrender. These three demonstrated joyful surrender praising God’s no to their prayers, so they can intentionally pick up the Father’s assignment for them. It’s critically important that you form your ideas about God from His Word, not around what you’ve heard about Him secondhand, not around Him giving you what you want.
You have to know who God is. God is the Giver of marriage. God is the Giver of singleness. Both are gifts. Both are kind. The Giver is the One who decides what gift He’s giving you. If He’s giving you singleness, that’s not a gift you can reject; your option is surrender. Regardless of which gift God gives you, never desire marriage more than you desire God. Trust Him. Stop fighting God for a different gift or twisting your approach in hopes that you unlock His yes.
Trusting God is not about pasting a passive smile and simply praying for greater patience. It’s about leaning more deeply into Christ and finding in the process all the blessings of our relationship with Him — a deeper, more joy-filled relationship than even that of a marriage.
Some of us may be single forever. Is God still good? Is God enough? Do you trust God? We won’t trust Him if we don’t believe He is good, and I don’t mean good concerning His sovereignty, how He governs the details of our individual lives, but that He Himself, His character and His Person is good. Singleness is God being good to us today.
Do you believe that? If so, that’s real, genuine trust, and it won’t get snuffed out under those bouts of longing that plague us all from time to time and the loneliness that often triggers us. The real question to wrestle with is whether we’re willing for the provision of companionship to be something other than marriage.
My desire for marriage didn’t go away. It’s still here, but God has trained that desire so that it doesn’t rule me. Psalm 131:2 says, “I have calmed and quieted my soul like a weaned child with its mother.” That’s how God has calmed and quieted my desires.
I have decided that no was His kindest answer to me. I have decided to surrender. God’s no and my good desires can co-exist. People who have surrendered their lives to God don’t grip tightly to anything but Him. We live open-handedly and don’t grip tightly to things that aren’t in our hands to begin with. Dealing with singleness begins with our heart. My prayers for a husband have shifted from “Lord, what do You have for me?” to “Lord, what do You desire of me?”.
Certain days have been harder than others, but I have such peace where He currently has me, even still longing for marriage. I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but even as I’ve only heard Him say no to me in this area despite my persistent prayers, I’ve come to believe that His heart behind this no is loving and kind and good. Even if this answer persists, I pray I won’t doubt His goodness but joyfully surrender in praise of the gift He’s giving me now.
His plan for you is good. His no is kind. God will say yes to everything that aligns with His will, and when God says no, it means He has something that supersedes your fleshly desire. Desiring to get married is a good desire, but it’s still a fleshly desire, and we have to submit to our spiritual desires. Maybe He’s working to enlarge your heart to hold more than you can imagine. Maybe He’s teaching you to surrender. God absolutely has done what He claimed in Psalm 34:7. He’s giving me the desires of my heart; not by giving me the thing I desire, but by putting the right desire in me: Himself. He’s caused me to desire Him and His plans more than my own. When I can begin to submit my fleshly desires to spiritual desires, my heart begins to look like His.
God has shown me a new perspective about enjoying my singleness. It is not setting a deadline for God when the process should end, but it is trusting God to make everything beautiful in His time (Ecc 3:11). If the Lord decides to take another 5, 10 or 20 years, I need to submit to His will. Even if He decides I remain single forever, I need to use this beautiful time given for His glory. It is not always an easy process, but our loving gracious Jesus will give me the desire and the power to do what pleases Him (Phil 2:13).
If your dating efforts don’t seem to be becoming blessings, consider thriving in your singleness! We can serve our believing community and glorify God not despite our singleness but by virtue of it. We have great opportunities to build up the whole body of Christ. What are some of the benefits of intentional singleness? More control over your time and finances, more opportunities for self-discovery, and single-minded, undivided devotion to Christ (1 Cor 7:25-35). Since there will be no marriage in heaven, we also showcase both to the church and the surrounding world a foretaste of what heaven will be like (Matthew 22:30).
We get to project hope to our married brothers and sisters by how we intentionally pursue and honor our singleness and display the love of Christ to other singles who feel shut out from the best life the gospel offers. We bring glory to God when we identify our unique blessings, embrace them, and put them to good use. The greatest blessing and privilege is the increased opportunity for discipleship and serving our loving and good Savior. Intentionally pursue a kingdom mindset, read His Word consistently and completely, and use your time and your gospel-centered singleness for Christ’s glory!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hannah is a twenty-something Tucson native saved by the overwhelming grace of Christ and a disciple of His Word. Hannah loves country music, camping and hiking, binge-watching Gilmore Girls and traveling on spontaneous road trips. Her favorite days consist of a great cup of coffee, a good book, and enjoying monsoon thunderstorms. She longs to see young women thrive in their relationship with Jesus, knowing He always has immeasurably more in store for us.