Not Yet Married: A Book Review
Don’t be deceived by the title. This book does not assume that one fine day all of its readers will be married. It’s not even written solely to the singles crowd. With relatable storytelling and sound wisdom gleaned from Scripture and plenty of difficult, awkward experiences, Marshall Segal titles his book to remind us that “on this side of heaven we are all not yet married” (15). Every wedding on earth is an imperfect rendering of that day when we will be given forever to Christ (Rev. 19:7). Segal writes, “We will all be married, and that marriage should shape every other desire and longing we have in this life” (15).
Without even realizing it, our ideas of what love—and marriage—should be like have been shaped by the culture around us, reflected in these famous ballads:
“I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don’t have you” – Whitney Houston
“At last, my love has come along; my lonely days are over” – Etta James
“Everything I do, I do it for you” – Bryan Adams
“I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away the pain” – Enrique Iglesias
“You know you’re my savin’ grace; you’re everything I need and more” - Beyoncé
Each one bears a sweet sentiment, a vivid image of what we’re told love should feel like. How many timeless romantic dramas preach things like, “All I want to do for the rest of my life is make you happy”? Our hearts are happy when we fall in love with someone, but if we set them on an altar, Segal says, “That hole in our hearts will swallow and destroy any relationship if we look to a person to make us happy or whole” (17).
Have you noticed that most movies about falling in love end before or on the wedding day? Few films give genuine insight about what the day-in, day-out “hitched” life will involve. Contrary to the idyllic anthems above, the hard truth is that loneliness survives even in marriage, sometimes to a greater degree. Remaining steadfast regardless of our circumstances comes by “anchoring our joy and contentment in Christ rather than in marriage or anything else in this life,” Segal writes (65).
In a chapter called “Undivided and Undistracted,” Segal declares: “Life is short. You and everyone around you will live, on average, a little more than seventy years. That will feel like less than a bathroom break compared with the eternity ahead of us. Everything in the world is teaching you to stretch out every moment as long as possible…But you weren’t made for this, and you won’t be here long. We have to stop believing the lie that everything we have here is all we have, and start thinking of everything we have here as something to invest in what’s to come” (48).
Have you ever thought of your life as a bathroom break? I haven’t, but isn’t that a wonderful image of the boundless expanse of eternity? Here, I have to ask myself: am I investing my time, voice and money in things that are preparing my heart for eternity with Jesus?
Everything we say and do reveals something about what we truly believe: the way we treat the barista in the hustle of our morning commute, how we spend our free time, what we purchase, how we care for others, and the topics of conversation we initiate. These small movements throughout our days add up—they are shaping us for eternity, oneness with Christ. Segal writes, “We develop those spiritual muscles now by saying, with everything we have and do now, that Jesus is our greatest treasure” (48).
In one of my favorite sections of the book, Segal talks about anticipating Jesus’ return: “Do you want him to come back?” he asks. “He will come on that day ‘to be glorified in his saints, and to be marveled at among all who have believed’ (2 Thess. 1:10)…We will see and enjoy lots of other things in the new heavens and the new earth, but we won’t need to. He’ll be enough for us forever” (49). Hard as I try, it is impossible for me to imagine that feeling of wholeness when we finally meet Him face to face. But is Jesus enough for me now? Is He enough for you?
I sought out this book in a season of life when I was fed up being single. At the time, I was living overseas, trying to sustain long-distance friendships while investing in short-term connections that seemed to come and go like a revolving door. In many moments, I found myself feeling terribly alone. When my heart and mind were clouded with unfulfilled hopes, Segal’s words brought clarity and comfort, reframing many of the expectations I hardly realized I bore.
To those not in relationships, Segal urges that time being single “has the potential to be a unique period of undivided devotion to Christ and undistracted ministry to others. With the Spirit in you and the calendar clear, God has given you the means to make a lasting difference for his kingdom” (38). He encourages single people to actively practice selflessness, attend to overlooked needs, notice the people God has placed in their lives, invest in friendships—“the front lines of disciple-making”—be generous with time and energy, develop attitudes and habits of sacrifice, look for ways to provide for others, and say ‘yes’ even when inconvenient.
There are more lines highlighted in my 197-page copy than I’d like to admit, but the outflow of Scripture-founded advice in this book is incredibly edifying no matter what your relationship status. Segal offers reflections on his own mistakes, practical instruction for following Jesus in relationships, encouragement in loneliness, Biblical principles applied to dating, firm but kind warnings against going too deep emotionally or physically before marriage, counsel for pursuing clarity before getting hitched, and life-giving words for those who feel regret and shame over past mistakes.
We all want to be sure, absolutely sure, that the person we marry will be “safe.” It’s why we ask questions like, “How does he treat his mom?” or “Does she take you for granted?” “They want a way to ensure the person they marry won’t disappoint them. Fail them. Become someone else,” writes Rachel Joy Welcher on The Gospel Coalition website. “But when you get married...you commit yourself to a fallible person and an unknown future.”
There are no guarantees in marriage and that is real love. Strip off the sparkle and rose petals and that is what remains: love for anyone but God is always a risk. But didn’t Jesus do that for us? Doesn’t he do that every day?
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” -1 Cor. 13:7 (NLT)
We are to go and do likewise, loving and risking for others, whether romantically or not. At the altar, Segal says, “You’re not standing there together to say, ‘I really do love you,’ but to say instead, ‘I really will love you—whatever it takes, however hard it gets, whatever happens, however much I want to leave’” (135).
That is why marriage is such a beautiful picture of Christ’s relentless, abounding love for us. When the long-sung feeling of “being in love” fades, will we continue choosing to love? Will we choose to stay? Jesus does. “He didn’t die for us because he finally found the love of his life,” Segal writes. “We were not marriage material when he met us. No, he died to make us the love of his life despite how little we deserved him. A love like his makes a marriage worth wanting, and it makes a marriage worth keeping—a love declared, not discovered,” (136).
If you’re single and looking for encouragement, in a relationship and seeking guidance, or married and in need of some grounding truths, this book is for you. Try it out and download it for free here on desiringgod.org.
There’s an old hymn called “O The Deep, Deep Love of Jesus!” (Audrey Assad has a great version), which was written by Samuel Trevor Francis in 1875. The last verse of the song proclaims:
O the deep, deep love of Jesus! Love of every love the best:
'Tis an ocean vast of blessing, 'tis a haven sweet of rest.
O the deep, deep love of Jesus! 'Tis a heav'n of heavens to me;
and it lifts me up to glory,for it lifts me up to Thee.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Claire Zasso was born and raised in California with many books and mountain air. Currently, she works for a Christian international relief organization, supporting hurricane recovery programs. She loves coffee, scuba diving, leading worship with her guitar, hiking in the Sierra Nevadas, jamming to classic rock, and showing others the freedom found in knowing Jesus.