I took the test last night. I waited all week for it. It was stupid to get my hopes up. I had my first taken away from me last year and each passing month the disappointment stabs a little deeper. I hate being disappointed, so I try not to hope too much. But this time, for whatever reason, I really thought I'd be pregnant.

Around the same time, I found out that someone I’m not a big fan of, who has struggled with the same affliction, was pregnant. My mild-mannered demeanor was shattered at this news. Jealousy overcame me and I transformed into a monstrous version of myself.  If you don't already find me a hypocritical disciple who both praises and curses the Lord in the same breath, here is something more to convince you. The mention of her name is normally enough to set my jaw and fix my gaze as I refuse forgiveness. And now she has a baby.

I know the grudge I hold against her cannot continue. I've known this for some time. I'll get to it Lord, but shouldn't I get to a place of greater faith first? I'm not ready to face my hatred for her and what she has done and what pain her presence in my life brings. He tells me it's already happening, and that I already have all I need to handle this.

But this, Lord? Her?

This is too much.

Forgiveness is difficult enough without jealousy muddying the waters. I am Jonah pouting under a withered leaf and wiping the sweat from my furrowed brow. Arms crossed, heart impenetrable. I did nothing to deserve or lose my baby. It was simply the right time for God's will.

What a strange thing it must look to God, one of his creatures who knows the truth and yet cannot understand its application. She gets my most cherished wish and I get a lesson. My head defiantly turns to the side. No. God is faithful, merciful, ever-patient and too loving to comprehend. And He gave her a baby and not me. I want to scream at His throne but I know His character.

I do not require evidence. I do not struggle with the big questions of faith and doctrine. I'm just experiencing the sting of a "no" to my deepest desire. It makes me wonder about all the other things that have come so easily. Others would call me blessed beyond measure, but my focus both sharpens and skews my will. I have the control, but do not know how to use it.

How is it that I am overflowing with desire to show my child how to practice forgiveness, model godliness, and lavish love on our neighbor when in the waiting place I won't even try?

He's showing me the lens dial. It moves back and forth. From pointed focus to wide angle. “In photography and cinematography, a wide-angle lens... allows more of the scene to be included in the photograph, which is useful...where the photographer may not be able to move farther from the scene to photograph it” (Wikipedia). If only I could see the rest of the picture I would know what He knows. For now, all the Lord can do is discipline me in love because I want, but can't have, a child to lovingly discipline.

God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating us as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of raising children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God?

We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. -Hebrews 12:4-11 (MSG)

What causes a genuine tug-of-war in your heart between human will and God’s will?

What would it mean to hand over control of this area to God in obedient trust?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly writes from her home in Ojai, CA where she also works full time as wife to Marco, mama to Lydia, and account specialist for a software company. She loves rain, early morning runs, and long road trips. Her happy place is a certain table at a local coffee shop with a pen, an empty notebook, and a few hours (and probably a few lattes!). Her writings can be found over at teaandtestimony.wordpress.com.