Friendship is something we all know, experience, and offer, but rarely is it something that we stop to truly think about. 

When was the last time you looked up a TED Talk on how to be a better friend or bought a book on improving your friendship skills? 

Have you ever prayed that God would increase your capacity for friendship, or sought verses in the Bible on what His people throughout history experienced in this area?

 If I’m honest, I can’t say that I have. 

Sure, I have come across Bible verses here or there - a nice one to throw in a birthday card or in a get-well message - but when was the last time I looked with true intention for what God has to say about having and being a friend?

Having friends

Friendship is something that we are all innately desire. It’s a part of life that we both deeply desire and desperately need, but it isn’t always that simple. Over the last two years, my friendship circles that I have relied on began to shift. 

In 2019, I was very unwell in my second pregnancy and this meant that not only did I have to leave my job, I also had to leave almost every other social activity that year too. Church, family gatherings, parties, volunteering and even catching up with people one on one. Over the course of that year, I began to see the relational currency that I had been building up in some of these circles be spent quickly in my lack of presence. 

Then, we all know what kinds of isolation 2020 brought forth. Everything was canceled, forcing the vast majority of us into some form of separation from the people we would frequently be spending time with. This, for me, was my second year of being apart from friends that I had hoped to invest back into.

Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar situation. Due to life, and all the ups and downs that come along the way, your friendships have dwindled. Your ability to spend time like you once did with those closest to you has been impacted. 

Perhaps you moved. Perhaps you changed workplaces. Perhaps you changed courses at University or switched schools to another neighborhood. Whatever it might be, you suddenly found yourself in a place where you question who your ‘people’ are.

This is the moment to stop. 

The moment I had to make myself stop focusing on the friendships that have lapsed and focus instead on what God is still doing. Just because some of my social circles have changed, doesn’t mean that God has. In fact, He never changes, and this was a truth that I had casually forgotten. Having friends is important, but my focus on that alone will never be enough. Friends will never complete me, fulfill me or make me a better person. Of course, having friends can play “a significant role in promoting your overall health. Adults with strong social support have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure and an unhealthy body mass index (BMI)”, according to the MayoClinic, but when we place too much stock in having friends and pursuing friendships for ourselves, we lose sight of the Biblical aspects of friendship. What it means to have one, but also to be one to someone else. 

Being a friend

“If one of them falls, the other can help him up. But who will help the pitiful person who falls down alone?” Ecclesiastes 4:10 -The VOICE

Have you ever read these words and pictured yourself as one of the people? Helping up someone who’s tripped down a flight of stairs? Or perhaps it’s you who has tripped and now you’re finding an outstretched hand of someone you care for reaching down to help you up. Helping that friend who made a negative decision and is now walking through the fallout from that. Or maybe that was you - you find yourself in some hot water, but instead of floundering about, your best mate is throwing you a lifeline and promising to tug you forward until you’re free. 

Consider the second part now. Falling and being totally alone. Tripping up (literally or metaphorically) and finding that you now have to deal with that situation completely by yourself. I don’t know about you, but that is both disheartening and anxiety-inducing. Fending for myself when all it would take would be a hand to hold my own to begin to make it better. 

Being a friend means celebrating and being present for the wins and sharing in the highs of life - the graduations, the romances, the new jobs and the awesome new cars - but it is more than this. More than movie nights and coffee catch-ups. Friendship needs to ride the absolute lows, too. Friendship needs to sit in the dark places, side-by-side with the heartaches, the trauma, the anxiety and the falls. Ultimately, friendship needs to be rooted in Christ so that whatever it faces, it can continue to stand. This is where Biblical friendship begins to differ from other forms of friendship.

Biblical friendship

Biblical friendship is about intentionality. It takes planning, sacrifice, and purpose - just like Jesus and the 12 disciples. Jesus had hundreds of followers - people came from all over to hear from Him, follow Him, and simply be in His presence - but Jesus intentionally only sought out a close 12 friends (and then narrowed that down even further with His absolute closest three) and invested deeply in His relationship with them. These were the men who got to sit at the table for the last supper and marvel at Jesus’ words as He broke bread and passed the cup around. 

Biblical friendship is about breaking down walls and allowing others in, another aspect of friendship that Jesus displayed so overtly. It was one of His most prominent messages - be who you really are. Be true, be open, be real - be the person that you were created to be (I think of Zacchaeus the tax collector here, and Jesus’ call for him to essentially lay down the mask he was operating behind and simply be real and join in). Be willing to authentically interact with those around you and the world that you have been placed in.

Biblical friendship always comes back to the knowledge that every person is an image-bearer. Everybody has been created in the image of God, regardless of their actions, or behavior, or taste in music. 

The ultimate design for a ‘human’ was the Trinity (see Genesis 1:26-28) - so when it comes to being a friend as well as having one, it’s important to remind ourselves that our sisters and brothers in Christ have been made according to this initial design and that means there is no judgment, comparison or shame that we are meant to walk through life with. Everybody has been created with purpose, on purpose, and with a plan. 

How do you feel about the friend that you are? How do you feel about the friends you hold dear? Is there room for improvement or is it perhaps time to weed the garden? Sometimes when we take a step back to assess an aspect of our lives, we find that pruning is needed. This is a constant element of our growth in Christ - He prunes us back in order that we might grow and flourish as truly designed. So why should it be any different in our friendships? Perhaps there’s someone that you need to invest more time with, change your plans and get around to seeing more often. 

If you’re wondering what to do now, can I encourage you to head to the book of Proverbs? Proverbs is essentially a guide to creating true friendships and navigating these relationships in our lives.

Another resource is Kelly Needham’s book ‘Friendish’ and you’re on the road to bettering your friendship skills.

This is by no means an exhaustive look at friendship or what it means to have and be a friend to those in our worlds, but we have to start somewhere. For me, as I think back over the friendships that have changed over the last couple of years, I’m reminded to be grateful for what was. It’s exhausting thinking about the ‘what was’ and pining after some of the losses - it’s much more life-giving to be thankful for the good memories and experiences I have had instead, because those friendships still served purposes and filled space in my heart.

God wrote those stories on purpose and with a plan, but today He is writing new stories.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I'm Hannah Juanta- mama to two littles and dipping my toes into my next right thing as I learn to navigate this chapter God has called me to. I generally hover in that space between consciousness and coffee as I try to take each day knowing I need grace to get through it. I'm a lover of good words, strong conversation, a well-worn thrift store and a doughy doughnut.