The way our society portrays relationships is confusing more often than not. I spent a lot of time being single before meeting the man I later married. And I spent more time than I’d like to admit being worried about that state of singleness. The advice offered to single women seemed to fall along the lines of, “Enjoy the time that you have by yourself.” To me, this always came across as either trite or—depending on my mood—even somewhat insulting.

When you’re single, it can feel as if the entire world is focused on marriage. Even within the Christian community, you can feel a little bit left out. Sometimes you show up to a Bible study only to realize that you’re the only person among a sea of couples, and it’s just awkward. Or maybe that’s just me.

Being single can already feel so incredibly difficult. The feeling gets even worse when it seems as if people who are married don’t understand how you feel. I genuinely had doubts that I would ever get married, so I was surprised when events somehow rapidly fell into place. I’ve only been married just shy of a year, so I am nowhere near an expert on marriage. From what I’ve observed, it takes several decades to reach that stage. 

However, I am still very familiar with how I felt while single. There are a few things that would have been so helpful to know when thinking about marriage during that time. 

You are not missing out by being single.

Despite how you might feel, being single is not a negative state. Before I met my husband, I hadn’t been in a serious relationship. While it was frustrating to be single at times, any relationship that I could have had before that would have been wrong for me anyways. This isn’t to say that you can’t find value in a relationship that ends or that a temporary relationship can’t have been a positive experience. But, for me personally, I appreciate that I didn’t have to deal with that roller coaster experience of ups and downs from a major relationship ending. 

Marriage does not magically solve all your insecurities or problems. 

This is the part where we discuss the image portrayed in romantic comedies. I will absolutely continue to enjoy girls night with movies, snacks, and friends, but these movies do not accurately reflect real life (and not just because no one wakes up with make up that perfect in the morning). 

Unlike rom-com heroines, you will not suddenly find yourself rid of all of your problems and insecurities after marriage. Everything that is wrong in your life now will come with you. Yes, it is true that marriage will change your life. After all, you’re now operating within a partnership. But, marriage will not fix or complete your life. 

In Ephesians, Paul prays that those he writes to will “grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” (Ephesians 3:18). Love between people is powerful, but even at its best, love that comes from other people is only a fraction of the kind of love that God has for us. God’s love is the only love that can be counted on to fully sustain us and transform our lives. It isn’t possible for another person to fill the role that God should have in our lives.

No one else’s timeline for marriage should make you concerned. 

Depending on your social circle and the expectations of those around you, you might feel as if you should have met someone last Tuesday in order to be married by an acceptable age. This is absolutely untrue. Choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone does not need to be a decision that you make simply because everyone else your age had their weddings last summer. Do not try to force a relationship to turn into a marriage in order to stay on track. That probably isn’t your track.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

God has plans for your life, and whatever it entails will be better than what you could have planned for yourself. In my own experience I spent way too much time worrying that I was somehow behind in life. I don’t think that I obsessed over it more than most people in the same situation would have, but it didn’t help anything. I had no idea that I was meeting my husband when I first met him. I couldn’t have imagined that I would be married to him in a little over a year from that time. God took care of making sure that everything worked out. I could believe that God was going to provide for me in other ways, so I probably should have been a little more trusting in that area.

It matters who you marry. 

This may sound obvious, but it’s so easy to get so caught up in the idea of marriage that you don’t actually stop to think what spending your life with a person is going to look like. Besides congratulations, the most common comment that I got before our wedding was that the first year of marriage is hard. Turns out that the first year is hard in ways that I hadn’t expected. Because marriage involves two imperfect people, marriage will always have imperfections. 

Not having any experience beyond the first year at this point, I cannot say whether or not the first year is the hardest. I do suspect, though, that every year will contain its own difficult portions. I am glad that I am married to my husband, but I don’t think that I would feel that way if I had married someone else. 

If you tried to force a relationship that already seemed off while dating into a marriage, then it would be incredibly hard to make that marriage work. A good marriage can add blessing to your life, but a bad marriage would make things so difficult. 

Hopefully some of the things that I’ve realized are helpful to others who are feeling the same way that I felt while single. Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, but sometimes the way that it is discussed can make those of us who aren’t married feel anxious or out of place. Just remember, regardless of your relationship status, you are enough and you are loved by God. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elizabeth is an educator at heart. So far this has taken the form of a camp counselor, a museum assistant, and currently a middle school teacher. She loves to watch people grow and learn. You can read more of her writing at her blog Chronicles of a Southern Belle.