Content Warning: Description of a suicidal contemplation

I have always preferred opposites

 Noise to complete silence

 Smiles instead of tears

 Light instead of the dark

 All that is true-I can’t sleep in a room of complete darkness ( I’ll admit it I am afraid of the dark). Still I am walking through a pit of darkness and came out on the other side and to the glorious light.

 We all have a story to share. There is a part of my story I don’t share; I honestly forget it is part of MY STORY.

The past seven years have held some fantastic memories and also some memories I would rather forget. Like what happened in me after high school graduation. I was homeschooled until that fateful day in May 2015, when I graduated. As my friends were falling in love with their universities, I was falling deeper into a pit of depression. I began to doubt whether my homeschool education was enough to get me through life and I honestly was struggling with the thought of ending my life. I remember the exact day; when Satan whispered in my head that this was my last day. Silly Satan, look at what the Spirit can do.

I could never pull the trigger of gun to take myself out that way, too messy. However, I definitely could drown myself in the pond behind our house. I was home alone that day when I am confident Satan told me this was the day. I have always dreamed of penning novels, but I never thought that I would pen a suicide note. I realized ‘I’m sorry.’ Really doesn’t cut it before you kill yourself. I thought screw the note, I was on the way out the door to get the cinder block from the johnboat we keep for fishing. I remember the exact spot I was when the Holy Spirit gave me an image of my mom crying over me when I wasn’t sitting in front of the TV, but floating in the “lake”. That image wrecked me, I turned my butt around and sat down in front of the TV.

Thank God I made that move. 

That was seven years ago, and I am just now shedding light on that part of my past. Seven is the number of completion in the Bible. The reason I have been silent on this particular part of my past is I believe I needed to live seven years in God’s glorious light to have the courage to expose the darkest skeleton in my closet.

“But I have spared you for a purpose-to show you my power and to spread my fame throughout the earth.”-Exodus 9:16 (NLT)

The Spirit hasn’t stopped leading my life since that day and I am so thankful. In the seven years that have preceded that momentous day, I have curated some friendships that will last a lifetime. I have seen God move in way I didn’t expect. For the past two weeks, I haven’t written a word for the public to read. I did journal, but y’all ain’t reading that.  I hope and pray that writer’s block is behind me. I feel like God spared me to spread His name and fame through my words.

We all have a story to share, and they are so beautifully unique. If you are that person reading this that is struggling tonight. I want to encourage you to reach out to someone, your BFF, your mom, your brother/sister. Just tell someone other than your dog. Dogs love you, but you need to tell someone with skin. We weren’t made to struggle alone. We need people fighting with us!! Isolation is something from the Devil.

Let someone know your struggling. You were made for more, more light, more beauty!
Jesus loves you and I do to (so what we’ve never met, words over the miles)
Stay strong.

If you need to someone to talk to, you can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
You are valuable and seen by God, and no matter the circumstance, there is always hope.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mary Hannah Thomas was born and raised in Social Circle, Georgia with her three siblings. Now she lives in the woods outside of Athens, Georgia. In between writing and spending time with Jesus, she enjoys a daily walk and baking. Mary Hannah is always down for a cup of coffee no matter what the time! To find more of her writing check out her blog: https://tbdmlp.wordpress.com/