This Life Takes Courage
So here I am, doing my typical Jesus time. It's midnight, my roommates are fast asleep, candles are burning and I'm sitting in the kitchen with my new C.S Lewis Bible as Jon Guerra's new EP "Glass" softly sets the perfect ambiance for an evening with my Creator. Little did I know that He would rock my world. Well, He always does, but this time was different. I can thank Mr. Lewis for that one. While reading Romans, I found this quote.
"What do people mean when they say 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?' Have they never ever been to the dentist?" - A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis
I never understood the fear of the Lord until now. People always talk about it, how we are supposed to love and fear Him at the same time. The love part I totally get, but the fear part just didn't make sense to me.
How could I fear someone that I was so in love with, someone I desperately needed every day?
[pullquote width="300" float="right"]I was scared to ask God for things, in fear that He would make things even harder.[/pullquote]
To say that this past school year was difficult for me would be quite the understatement. A lot was going on in my life, and most importantly, in my family. I found out in October that my mother was sick, and since I'm 900 miles from my hometown, it was hard having to live so far away and not be able to lend a helping hand when she needed me most. This was a theme of mine for the rest of the year, and it immediately affected my walk with the Lord.
How could I trust God with anything if He was going to just hurt me with the next thing to come?
After such a terribly hard year, I began to get scared of the next hard thing the Lord would ask me to face. I was scared to ask God for things, in fear that He would make things even harder. That He would make me face struggles that were unbearable to hold (put homework on top of all that and it's the perfect combination for an anxiety attack). I didn't want to be set up for failure, so instead, I took every path I could to avoid it.
But, with a such a stand-still mentality, how will I ever see myself grow or get stronger in my faith? How could I get my cavities fixed if I never took that step into the dentist's office?
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." -Proverbs 9:10
This is the fear of the Lord - understanding His greatness and revering His power. Following the Lord is SCARY. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff. You have no idea what will happen next, and it terrifies and excites you, because who knows where the wind will take you next?
Faith, however, is stepping off the cliff - hitting the bottom, becoming an empty bottle. Why do we allow ourselves to let this happen? Because faith is trusting that God will fill us back up. Faith is trusting that God will show us a path when we climb up an even bigger cliff, one that will stand taller than all of the others, one that is closer to Him.
"The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor." -Proverbs 15:33
As much as I just want to sit in the car in that parking lot outside the dentist's office, letting my cavities rot and just get worse as life goes on, I know that I can't live like that forever. I just need that courage to get out of my car, walk through the front door and tell the dentist that I'm ready.