In 2012 I got pregnant as a result of sin. At that time, I saw nothing wrong with guys and girls being close and calling each other “best friends” but, oh boy, was I wrong. How naive had I been about the fiery darts of sexual temptations! I thought I was a strong enough Christian not to fall into sexual immorality. Quite frankly, that kind of thinking is what got me in big trouble to begin with. I thought I would never be one of those silly girls who got pregnant before marriage. Let’s face it, I was too in love with Christ (so I thought) to ever want a taste of the other side again. I became too pleased with my spiritual state. According to Romans 12:1-2, 2 Corinthians 4:16 and Ephesians 4:23, God wants us to renew our minds daily. Instead, I became stagnate and negligent about spiritual matters. Seeds of distraction were planted and I began quenching the Holy Spirit. Scriptures were no longer at the forefront of my mind to help me fight off temptation. I was too busy having fun and trying to convince myself I was really good “friends” with a guy and that we would never cross “that” line. All the while, not realizing I was already six feet deep!
Spending a lot of time alone with the opposite sex should not be taken lightly in the Christian community. I somehow made myself the exception and with that, discernment went out the door. One thing led to another and BOOM — I was pregnant. I became angry with Jervase (who is my husband now). Although I blamed him for all that happened between us, I was even more angry at myself for walking away from Christ.
At first I didn’t think I could ever face God again and so I tried to hide from Him. I busied myself instead, trying to work up a false repentance because I knew that’s what was expected of me. I was indeed filled with sorrow but not the kind that’s mentioned in 1 Corinthians 10:11 — the kind that leads to repentance. Sure enough the author of my faith was not finished with me yet. He began to convict me of my sins. Soon after I found myself in my car alone crying out to God. I cried and cried pleading with Him to have mercy on me. Right then and there it hit me how wretched I was. I mean, I’ve always known I was sinful but my eyes were re-opened to how desperately wicked I was. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused and afraid. I was bombarded with head noise from people all around me. I couldn’t sleep for days. Psalm 51 one became my heart’s cry. God began to do a mighty work in my heart. No one knew what was going on inside of me but the guilt and shame weighed me down heavily. I was supposed to be dead to my sins and here I was carrying a child that was conceived in sin. I had no idea how I would ever get past this, but all I could do was pray that God wouldn’t cast me out of His presence. I humbled myself and listened to what the Lord was putting on my heart.
Through my brokenness, I was still able to see the love Christ had for me. It was time for me to accept what I had done, repent, pick up my cross and carry on. Life for me was not over, God had other plans. So as terrified and ashamed as I was, I decided to go before my Sunday school class and confess. I felt like the best way to start with my healing process was to be transparent with my church family. I stood in front of over 50 people, some who I barely knew, and confessed what I had done. I could barely talk or breathe but I pushed through the tears and spoke. To my surprise, everyone got up to pray over me. Some cried with me while others just hugged me tightly. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I went in expecting condemnation and judgment but instead everyone demonstrated the love of Christ. I felt like the woman caught in adultery in John 8:1-11. Instead of everyone acting like the Pharisees, my church family loved on me and gave me great encouragement and strength to press through and rebuke the devil who was in my ear constantly reminding me of my guilt.
It took a really long time to accept God’s forgiveness, and even longer to forgive myself, but I kept praying and believing that change will come.
I made an oath to raise my daughter in the ways of the Lord despite what my family had to say. Most of them wanted me to get an abortion but the Lord gave me the strength I needed to stand up to them. When I was about eight months pregnant, Jervase and I got married because we no longer wanted to live in sin. I gave birth a month later. My daughter’s name is Isabella which means concentrated to God.
I pray that my story will show you that God can use our brokenness to bring glory to Himself if we turn from our sins and walk in His ways.
“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” -1 Corinthians 10:12
God knew my pride was getting in the way of me seeing this simple truth: I had to be broken to draw nearer to Him. Now, I can praise God all the more for humbling me. He opened my eyes anew and melted my heart of stone. Because of this I can rejoice that He did not give me over to my reprobate mind. He broke me to change me so that I may grow in grace, love and compassion for the broken. That I may reach out and be a light to those who are facing the same trials and are willing to repent and yield to the Lordship of Christ.