All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but his motives are weighed by the LORD. – Proverbs 16:2.
What are my motives for my dreams and wants? I have been contemplating and considering this passage from the moment I read it. The question is: What does GOD have to say about our dreams? What does he have to say about waiting? I found a verse I wanted to share with you:
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! – Psalm 27:14
What perfect words, but can we place them into practice? How do you handle when your dream is taken from you? The dream is not taken by humans, but by God, and although you are aware of His love and promises, is there a justification for the death of a dream? A few months ago, my dream died. Everything I had worked for. All I had wanted. Everything I had dreamed of. Gone.
Simply stated, there is nothing comparable to the feeling that washes over you when you have wished and dreamed and prayed for something. Then it doesn’t happen. Everyone has experienced a poignantly painful disappointment- a relationship, a promotion, a friendship or perhaps a lifelong goal. You think that perhaps you were never enough? Then, you ponder: I must not be enough. What about me is not “enough”?
Admittedly, I have wrestled with these feelings more than I care to admit. Plaguing me and stealing my joy countless times, as the tears of resentment and inferiority trickled down my cheeks. Life is strange. Isn’t it? Despite the achievements and joy in my life, there is something taken out of your soul when you lose a longing of your heart. Lost. Alone. Broken. The first stage is despair. You mourn your dreams. Then, you bury them. Acceptance follows, but oh, what a harsh, cold, and vile step of the process acceptance is.
Yet, afterwards, accompanying acceptance is fire. Recently, I entered this step. A fire has been lit in the pit of my soul. One that cannot be extinguished and that burns from a cavernous longing that I must fulfill. An urgency in grasping the reality of my destiny. But not as I define it, as God defines it. I am a strong believer that God does everything for a reason. Looking over my life, I see this evident.
Every time He has closed a door, I don’t understand why. Perhaps it will take years to truly understand. Yet, if we review our lives, we can distinguish many of the instances in which He was protecting us. In actuality, God has protected me from my own wants. My heart longs for the things of this world. Simply, it’s human nature. But He asks me to reject my earthly nature and have faith. How hard is that to do? A million tears, gasping for air and wondering why you can never have what others have. Wondering if that world simply isn’t meant for you.
When some part of me died, I asked God to take the ashes of my broken heart and turn them into something beautiful. Future self, I hope He has shaped you and grown you into someone and something indescribably and unexplainably beautiful. My hope is that you are kind. I hope that you are compassionate. My hope is that you are humble and sweet;caring and welcoming; thoughtful and good. Truthfully, I pray that you are the sort of individual that 10-year old Brooke would be proud of. More importantly, the type of girl that God would be proud of. Yes. You will make mistakes. Sometimes you will be selfish. Cry for no apparent reason. Often, you might say or do the wrong thing. In those times of weakness, you will have to pray for help from Him because you just can’t do it alone.
I will let my failures propel me into a path that has been revealed to me by the God who knows my needs better than I know myself. One who can open the doors at the perfect time. I have promised to myself that I will never stop. The journey of a thousand miles will begin with a single step that I shall take. The steps of this trail are not always known. But the memory of the searing sensation will be ingrained, imprinted into my heart.
What can you promise yourself? I’m a fairly average girl. No Saint. I am not especially wonderful. Simply a girl who has felt the searing, stabbing pain of rejection. One who has gasped for air through the tears of rejection. A girl who has given the ashes of her heart to God. One who prays that he might mold her and shape her, sanding off the rough edges of her heart.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. – Habakkuk 2:3